Look, it's not that bad. I shouldn't even complain, my life is wonderful; hectic but wonderful. But on this day, Alexandra was slightly under the weather, extra whiny and extra I-Hate-Eating, which always sends me into a state of anxiety. I know, I'm a first time mom, I'll get over it but when Alex doesn't eat, I don't mean, Only Eats Pasta. I mean, she'll have... half a small yogurt. Half a fruit pouch. Half a serving of milk. No cheese. No pasta. 1.5 chicken nuggets (that, I admit, was a fucking triumph, she hates meat). So that always sends me into a state of concern.
And I got sorrowful about not being able to spend more time with her, and devote more of myself to my family than I currently can afford. Which makes me sound ungrateful for my job, when believe me, I know how lucky I am. But heartstrings are pulled when I think about spending so many days apart from her.
Then there were all the little things... the muddy paw prints everywhere, the stuff that falls out of the bathroom cabinet and into the toilet, the lid to my spice jar that landed in my soup, realizing you need gas but lack the cash, squeezing into a bridesmaid dress, the child who won't stop screeching at me, and essentially, life and all its nitty-gritty details.
But then, on that evening's dog walk, a miniature miracle occured. I was trying to stay in the moment, as previously touted by my yoga instructor, instead of panicking over Alex's paltry dinner, the crazy day, my aching muscles, my state of sorrow and anxiety. Then I glanced up and saw the clouds. Oh, the clouds. And the color!
One in particular looked like the profile of God, an enormous, peaceful, ethereal (and bearded, naturally) presence that instantly reminded me of a lot of things. How big this world is, and simultaneously how many problems in the world utterly trump mine in size and severity; how small I am; how lucky I am, and how I really have everything I want, because I have been so amazingly blessed by the Big Cloud Man in the sky.
It brought me to the moment in a heartbeat, standing with my darling girl in her stroller, my big happy dog beside us, my husband at home teaching kung fu, the lovely neighborhood in which we live; all of our fleeting human lives that seem so important to us, all those nit-picky little problems that weigh down our minds and hearts, when above us, the yawning, stretching, wide open heavens roll and swirl on by, silent and enormous and a part of the whole picture, the whole universe really, much more so than we little creatures are, we who are so wrapped up in our little lives that we can't even glance up at the clouds, the stars, heaven.
So, I took some photos (with my camera phone, so the quality might be lacking). I hope there is some beauty there to enjoy for you all and not just for myself. I'm actually getting a little moved, a little emotional writing this, because stepping outside of myself and looking up, all around, anywhere out of myself, was the exact thing I needed.
Have a wonderful, always-in-the-moment, head-in-the-clouds kind of a weekend, everyone!
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