Things I'm Into Right Now

Man, what a difference it makes when your contacts aren't messing with you in the morning. Yesterday they were being a pain in the ass all morning, and it made me feel bleary from head to toe. But today, they're clear and in place and not blurry at all, and that feels good. Plus, Alexandra and Todd both woke up when I did before I left for work, and it's so nice to kiss smiling faces instead of sneaking out like a bandit, trying not to wake anyone up.

Anyways!


1. Kiss My Face shampoo and conditioner in Green Tea and Lime.

It's light and refreshing, doesn't have all those nasty things like SLS and parabens, and from what I could tell, some pretty spot on ingredients. One thing I've learned from ingredient checking is that the first ingredients are the most abundant. Here is the list right off their website:

Aloe Barbadensis*, Rosemarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf Extract*, Chamomilla Recutitia (Chamomile) Flower Extract*, Melissa Offcinalis (Lemon Balm) Leaf Extract*, Urtica Dioca (Nettles) Leaf Extract*, Olea Europaea (Olive) Leaf Extract*, Calendula Officinlis (Marigold) Flower Extract*, Salvia Officinalis (Sage) Leaf Extract*, Lavendula Angustifolia (Lavender) Flower Extract*, Olefin Sulfonate, Cocomidopropyl Betaine, Glycerin, Sodium Chloride (Sea Salt), Caprylic Acid, Glycine, Lavendula Angustifolia (Lavender) Flower Oil, Camellia Sinensis (Green Tea) Extract, Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein, Tocopherol, Citrus Aurantifolia (Lime) Oil, Potassium Sorbate, Citric Acid. *Organic

Now, nearly all of the run of the mill commercial shampoos out there like Pantene or whatever, will have water, then SLS as the first two ingredients. Which is why when I realized the first NINE ingredients listed were all organic plant matter or extracts, I was like hell yes. Both of the weirder ingredients, Olefin Sulfonate and Cocomidopropyl Betaine, are components or derivatives of coconut oil, so while it could be synthetically created (and lacks the telltale organic asterisk), I really don't give a shit. They're not stripping agents like SLS and other detergents, so Imma let it slide.

I will stop a moment and bitch that the shampoo calls itself Green Tea and Lime but those ingredients are pretty close to the bottom. However, I think they're mostly there to perform as fragrance, and since there is no ubiquitous and suspicious "Fragrance" listed, Imma let that slide too.

Jesus Jil, way to write an essay about a shampoo. Anyways, you can find this stuff at Whole Foods or even better, on Vita Cost.



2. Neutrogena Body Oil

And now for below the neck! I have a feeling I've posted about this stuff before, but back then it was used more sporadically in my moisturizing routine (I was hooked on Jason products then but something changed in their formulas for both lotions and hair care and I'm no longer as impressed). Now, however, I use this oil, and only this oil, every single day. I LOVE IT. The scent is light and slightly exotic thanks to the sesame, but never overpowering, never cloying. I never ever get sick of it, and when I hang my towel up after getting dressed and get a whiff of the scent, I smile involuntarily. That's how lovely it is. It never mingles with your perfume either. Just make sure to apply when your skin is still pretty damp. I just lightly pat my skin after showering or bathing and then apply the oil very promptly. One thing I've found though is that after shaving your legs, apply a second time after your skin is fully dry, and that will keep moisture on your gams.



3. It's Always Sunny in Philedelphia

Oh, man. Okay, look, I know that humor is subjective, and perverse, shameless humor like this is VERY subjective, but my God this is some of the funniest shit I have ever watched in my life. Just when you're fairly certain they won't go there, they go there, balls out (Dee Dates A Retard is an actual episode title). It's kind of like Seinfeld in which no one is truly likeable, they're all horrible people, and they all seem to hate each other deep down, so even for me this show is best in smaller doses (I could, however, do an hours-long marathon of How I Met Your Mother). It's like a super rich sinful dessert, and nothing caps off a night of mild mannered television like a show where in order to stay on welfare, Dee and her brother Dennis actively choose to get hooked on crack.



4. Mussels!!

Or moules au vin blanc, which is my absolute favorite way to make them. Nothing compares to a big bowl of these delicious critters, steamed in wine, shallots and garlic. They're also insanely quick and easy to make for a romantic dinner for two:

3.5lb mussels, scrubbed and de-bearded (absolutely crucial to the flavor)
1 cup wine
3 shallots, finely chopped
1 Turkish bay leaf
1 tsp dried thyme
4 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
1/4 cup fresh parsley, finely chopped
3 tbsp butter

Bring wine to a boil in a six quart pot and let simmer a few minutes. Add your mussels, put the top on your pot and let them steam for about five minutes. Give the pot a good shake to redistribute the mussels, and then open up and give them a quick stir. If they're all open, they're done and should be removed promptly into large serving bowls. If they're not open, have no fear and just steam a little longer, two minutes more. After placing the moules into the bowls, add the parsley and butter to your wine and stir to melt the butter. Once that happens, turn off the heat, pour the delicious broth over the moules (making sure to spoon up all those delicious shallots and garlic pieces), and serve with crusty bread and a couple of glasses of the same wine you used to steam them.

An added bonus: you don't need utensils. Just use the shell of one mussel like mini tongs and pluck the meat from another mussel.

SO GOOD. Todd is always mildly reluctant when I start clamouring for these, and every single time I serve them he's like, damn, these are so good. We had them Saturday and we're sitting there, happily digging into our bowls, and Todd just goes "Well, you and your lousy moules! These are delicious!" and proceeded to devour the entire bowl.



5. Trader Joe's Block Red Wine

A friend of mine turned me on to this wine because she knows how much I love wine that comes in box form. But this wine is so much more than that. I mean, yes, it is box of wine, and yes it's only $10 which is actually cheaper than the Corbett Canyon box of wine I buy whenever I want pinot grigio. But it's actually a super decent wine. The reason I know this is because A: I drink a lot of wine and can tell and B: Todd, who gave up his wino status long ago after it started kicking his ass, will actually have a glass or three of this with his steak dinner. He does not do that unless it's pretty damn good, so that's why I'm here to tell you that this wine is pretty damn good, only costs you $10 and comes in a cool looking box.

What's not to love?



6. Freesia!

Another delight thanks to Trader Joe's. I've never before gotten freesia until this spring, and my goodness, now I understand why every other lotion in Bath and Body Works is freesia. They're poor attempts at harnessing the light and delicate fragrance of this flower, though. I was absolutely blown away when I got the first batch; it took a couple of days but suddenly every time I'd walk by the vase of flowers on the table, I would be overcome by this teasing, barely there floral scent that is just divine. It reminds me of a far milder version of a magnolia blossom. Anyways, this shade of the freesia flower is what I'm currently hosting at my house, and I just love it. I always get sad when Trader Joe's is out of them; my heart sinks just a bit when I realize they're nowhere to be found. Next time you find yourself with an opportunity to get some freesia, I strongly recommend you take it.



7. Kingdom Rush

So I'm a little embarrassed to be raving over a game app on my smartphone but I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF. Plus, again I refer to Todd's enthusiasm as an accurate measure for levels of awesomeness: He was more than happy to watch me play Plants vs. Zombies, but is all too eager to play Kingdom Rush for himself. Last night we had to take turns for God's sake, each playing a battle before reluctantly handing it off to the other person.

It's right up our alley, with knights and archers and mages and artillery, tools and weapons to help boost your fighting power, heroes and fireballs falling from the sky, trolls and wulfs and ogres and shamans and all kinds of cool shit that you're trying to kill in the name of the king. Have at you! Attack! Reinforce!! YAAARRRRRGH.

Plus this shit is free.



8. The Darling Strumpet by Gillian Bagwell

Part historical novel, part bodice ripper, this is a 17th century story about one of England's very first actresses, Nell Gwyn. I've gotten about halfway through and what I'm loving so far, apart from some very blushworthy scenes (she started off a prostitute after all, at least in Bagwell's novel), are the historical moments that are brought to life, such as the great fire that took place in the city of London during her lifetime, as well as The Great Plague. I also love the language used to illustrate the time period, and of course I love Nell's brazen wit and her strength and courage to not only become an actress but to simply survive.

And I just love a good historical novel. I love learning about real people who lived so long ago. Thanks to the author's diligent research, I'm able to see into the past, and especially for women in history, this is such a treat.

Plus those love scenes! Whew!!

Review: Shadow of Night.

Oh my God you guys, oh my God you guys, so remember? That book I reviewed? A Discovery of Witches?!?!!? And how I was all, oh it was OKAY I GUESS but then I was all OMG I AM OBSESSED AJKFAFEGDFJGHRJHGBFG?!?!

Well I finally finished the second book in the trilogy! SQUEEEEEEEEEE

Okay, now that I got that out of my system, I am here to tell you all about how much I fan girled over this book. I had finished ADoW ages, AGES ago (nearly two years ago actually) and when I got Shadow of Night in California last year, I was like, oh shit. I don't remember anything except they didn't bone which was SO DISAPPOINTING, and there was some manuscript and evil dudes and shit. So I put it on my shelf and life happened and I forgot about it until I finished reading all the books in the Gaslight Mysteries series.

So I went and bought ADoW, since I had borrowed it the first time, and devoured it, utterly, all over again. Damn it's a good book. I mean, yeah, the vampire romance shit where he won't have sex with her, ugh, TWILIGHT you ruin everything. But anyways, I devoured it, all so I could dive immediately into the next book which is just such a sumptuous, rich and heady experience. To remain in a fictional world you've grown to love and daydream over is such a treat. Harry Potter fans who started when the first book came out, you have my sympathy. I started when book four was out.

Anyways, Shadow of Night takes place immediately after A Discovery of Witches end, and let's just say they go back in time to Elizabethan England okay? And Christopher Marlowe, Henry Percy, Elizabeth herself, George Chapman and all these other fuckers I never learned about but who lived and were like famous and stuff. And since Deborah Harkness, the author, is herself an extensively learned historian, much like the main character, Diana Bishop, what you experience as you read is nothing short of legitimate glimpse into life back in the 1590s.

If you recall, A Discovery of Witches was all about how there are different creatures in our world: witches, vampires and daemons. Witches and vampries are similar to our own ideas of what they are, but daemons are wildly creative, artistic souls (which is why Marlowe and Chapman are daemons in Harkness's world). And in this world of creatures, there is trouble afoot: they seem to be dying out. That is what essentially brought Matthew Clairmont (Matthew Roydon in 1591, a member of the School of Night - wiki that shit) and Diana Bishop together in the first book. He desires Ashmole 782 because he believes it holds answers to the origins and maintenance of the creatures' individual species, and Diana accidentally unlocks the spell that binds the manuscript.

God I sound like such a fan girl. HAY GUISE LET ME JUST TELL YOU THE WHOLE DAMN STORY IN A BLOG HAHAHAH

Shadow of Night continues Diana and Matthew's journey into the past, her journey of how to understand and harness the magic that so recently was unbound, and to keep their relationship secret since, oh you know, the different species of creatures are forbidden to intermingle. Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

If you can't tell, I just recently finished this book and am still all aflutter over it. And now I have to wait God knows how long until the third and final book comes out.

One thing I want to say is that it really is best that you read A Discovery of Witches first. Sometimes you can get away with jumping in the middle and visiting the beginning a little later on down the line, but Harkness doesn't do too well with jogging a reader's memory, which is why I had to go buy and reread the first book. But whatever! Who gives a shit! Go buy and read this book! Read them both! Thank me later!



P.S. They finally have sex

Review: The Lizzie Bennet Diaries (aka AAAH I LOVE IT)

I am a crazed and rabid fan of Pride and Prejudice and though I did read P&P in school, it was really the TV mini series by A&E, starring the stunning Jennifer Ehle and the ravishing Colin Firth that got me hook, line and sinker. Yes, I had understood it in high school, and could even appreciate the witty dialogue and the parallels between Elizabeth's own pride and the pride of Darcy. But the magic, I will admit, was lost on me until watching the series. It helped me appreciate the story that much more, and prompted me to re-read Austen's book with far more affection and attention than I had done so when I was 15.

Another contemporary version, a movie starring Keira Knightley as Lizzie and Matthew Macfayden, was okay for me, although it does reign supreme for my bestie Kendra. I was too hooked on the loveliness of the A&E version to get really engrossed in the movie, although the scene where Darcy is walking purposely towards Elizabeth though the misty, dewy fields that separate them, all the while bathed in a misty, dewy English sunrise, absolutely swept me away. But on the whole, it didn't captivate, not in the way that Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle had done so all those years before.

Now, though, and in a completely different way, I've found something that is so entertaining, so charming and hilarious and witty and FUN: The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. It's a web video series that retells Pride and Prejudice in an very modern way. Lizzie Bennet is a grad student studying mass communications, her sweet sister Jane is an underpaid minion in the fashion world, and the only other sister is the irreplacable Lydia, an oversexed community college student who wears a lot of Victoria's Secret Pink! casual wear (she once tried to give Lizzie a kiss on the mouth, and when stopped promptly by Lizzie, says "What, don't you want more viewers?"). There is no Kitty or Mary in the immediate family, though they do have a cousin Mary who, if memory serves me, has a cat named Kitty. At least someone has a cat named Kitty, who follows Lydia around wherever she goes. Clever!

Lizzie's best friend is no longer Charlotte Lucas but Charlotte Lu, the director and editor of Lizzie's vlog and an aspiring director. She's cool and collected, much like Charlotte Lucas, with a very logical mind and outlook on life. She's also hilarious and cool in a nerdy but not quite hipsterish way (thank God), and reels Lizzie in during her frequent rants and ravings over people like Darcy and Caroline.

Mr. Bingley is actually a med student named Bing Lee, a very handsome young man who is as sweet as the original Bingley, but with an extra dose of comic value that is a delight. His sister Caroline is a surprise; so far into the series (we're on episode 35 of 60) she hasn't shown the original Caroline's bitchiness and oozing approval for Darcy, though we can tell she's a snob. And we know she's a snake in the grass. She has to be! There's also Mr. Collins, an annoying old schoolmate of Lizzie and Charlotte's who, thanks to the financial backing of Catherine de Bourgh, has started his own web video business.

That brings me to Darcy. We've yet to see him but as of now we are in the midst of Lizzie's utter dislking of him, which is hilarious in its own way as she groans and pulls faces for her video diary, despite Jane's insistence that it isn't criticism Darcy is displaying, it's affection. But when we do see him, and I know for a fact we will, it's going to be so exciting. Especially considering how freaking hot Bing is. Darcy has to be comparable. RIGHT?

What I really appreciate about this web series is how well they mirror the troubles that plagued Austen's Bennet family, but in more modern times. All three Bennet sisters still live at home due to crippling student loans and, in Jane's case, a sadly underpaid but much adored job. The Bennets are facing the reality of losing their home in the bad economy, which somewhat explains Mrs. Bennet's mad dash to get her daughters married both quickly and richly. It all makes sense. And when she decides to remodel the house, in order to get her daughters invited to Bing Lee's house (Netherfield, natch), it is done under the guise of improving the value of the home in order to sell it and make more money to help the family stay afloat.

Look, I am basically retelling the whole damn web series up to episode 35, because that's how into it I am. The videos are 6 minutes or less, most of them hovering around 3:35 minutes long, so before you know it you've ripped through 20 of them and are out of wine. There's a tumblr, a twitter and a you tube channel all dedicated to the series, but the link I gave you up above will take you to the offical site, and you can get all the nitty gritty on that page.

"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love" this series.

Grade: A+++++

Gone Girl.

So I started reading Gone Girl last week, and yesterday I returned it to the library. Not because I finished it that fast, but because I didn't want to mire myself in such negativity. This coming from a girl who likes murder mysteries and vampire sex!

I don't know why but Gone Girl didn't settle with me, despite being really well written. It revolves around a seemingly happy married couple who are anything but, and what happens when, on their 5th wedding annivesary, the wife Amy goes missing. As the husband, Nick is naturally the prime suspect. Since I only read about 40 or 50 pages I'm not giving anything away by saying that, plus I think that, and more, is on the book cover's inside flap.

The reason why I didn't like it is because it's a long book, and I knew I would get seriously emotionally fucked with for a prolonged amount of time, and I wasn't up to the task. I didn't want to feel creeped out and sort of nauseated by the cruel things people do to their loved ones, and I knew that was what I was in for. There was a particularly depressing moment when, after Nick talks about how awkward and... sort of pretentious and self centered his wife's very laborious and time consuming wedding gift was, you read in a flashback (via Amy's diary) how excited she was to plan it all out and how she knew he'd love it.

That's reality in relationships but it broke my heart in a small way, and I didn't want to invest so much of my time, emotions and imagination in something that would ultimately leave a bad taste in my mouth. However I had no qualms recommending it to Kendra, who admittedly likes her stories to be a little melodramatic, a little depressing, a little dark.

I guess I'm just a girl scout Pollyanna when it comes to that sort of thing. Although I love Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series which is such a far cry from Pollyanna, I don't know what to say. Wait, I do know what to say: I didn't like immersing myself in a toxic marriage. I didn't want to read this book and then start imagining all these horrible things existing in my own marriage. Many people would suggest that that very thing is what makes good fiction, getting you to open your eyes, to I don't know, let the story in. But I am not here for that.

There was one line where Amy writes that she doesn't want to be That Wife, that she was perilously close to becoming it, that she didn't want to get mad at her husband for drinking all night with his just-fired friends on their anniversary, but she could feel it happening. I think all of us have felt that way, the mad-but-don't-wanna-be, but in that instant I was reading way too much into the story. Was I That Wife? That Wife meaning whatever it is you don't want to be. Do I needle into Todd too much, am I a shrew, the queen of  harpies, a fishmonger's wife?

And that's when I realized I just didn't want to finish it. I flipped to the last page to see how it ended and my God I am so glad I did because it confirmed some suspicions I had.

I'm trying not to give away the ending, so I will just say that as I get older, I have realized that I just might end up missing out on a lot of good fiction, good movies, etc, because the tone is too depressing. I'll never read Faulkner and after wiking some plots of his stories, I don't think I'm missing out on much. It all sounds like one big reason to take a Prozac. I don't want to waste my time and energy on something that will make me feel sadder or angrier than I was when I started. My time and my life and my imagination are precious to me, so I won't willingly spend 400 pages' worth of my life feeling creeped out and depressed right before bed.

Maybe that makes me sound like a dumbass, but it's how it is.

Review/Fangirling: The Gaslight Mysteries series

Okay so I'm like going apeshit over this series. It takes place in New York City in the late 1800s, I'm thinking like 1870s - 1880s. The main, recurring characters are Detective Frank Malloy, a rough and tough Irish detective hell bent on saving enough money for the bribe to make Captain, and a high-bred woman, Sarah Brandt, who left the wealth and social standing of her well-established family to marry a doctor, the late Tom Brandt, and become a nurse and midwife. Thrown together in odd circumstances, the pair makes a formidable team when it comes to solving murders in a city where the stark contrast between wealth and poverty is glaringly evident in all aspects.

Victoria Thompson does a remarkable job illustrating how difficult it was to live back then, in a sort of upstairs/downstairs way. The wealthy have it all thanks to their money, including the problems and complications that come with it, while the poor have nothing but grit and determination not to starve, from people living as servants to the poor, barefooted orphans who are as ruthless and cruel as any super villian.

Thompson also points out, time and time again, the hardships women of all social classes had back then; even a rich woman, if divorced by her husband, could literally be deprived of her children, money, the clothes off her back. She would be thrown out of the house and abandoned to thugs and pickpockets, rapists and starvation. Women, even with jobs in factories, couldn't make enough to live on their own thanks to the pitiful wages.

That's why Sara Brandt is such an anomaly, because she found a narrow niche in which to position herself, thanks to the training provided by her husband (who was murdered three years before the start of the series). Add to that her rebellion against wealth and comfort and privilege, her wit and humor, and you can see why she captivates, exasperates and ultimately charms Frank Malloy, who likewise earns the affection of Sarah, though both would be hard pressed to let the other person know.

Frank himself is a great character. He works in the police force which is more famous for its corruption and greed than doing its civil duty, despite Theodore Roosevelt's grand attempts at injecting a little integrity into it. While he plays along with the bribery game in order to advance in rank (bribery being the only way, as valor means nothing), he still has a moral backbone, which is only strengthened as Sarah's approval becomes more and more important to him. That, and being a good father to his poor deaf son, Brian, who was also born with a club foot and whose birth killed his late wife Katherine. He needs to make captain in order to provide a better life for his son and to get him into a school for the deaf, when his 3 year old boy is old enough.

Um, as you can tell, I am all over this series like white on rice. I can't get enough of the books! I started with the latest two in the series, then bought the first two, and checked out the two after that from the library. Now, since I'm waiting on books five and six to come to me, I have nothing to do but blog about them.

They're easy reads, nothing ooh-la-la about the writing like Dorothy L Sayers' mystery series about Lord Peter Whimsy. But they're also painstakingly researched which, as a fellow writer who had to do research about historical periods, impresses me to no end. I fucking hate research. Anyways, I love that I'm not only following a spark of romance in the books between Sarah and Frank, but am getting a wide-eyed glimpse into a world that is both very different, and then not so different, to our own current times.

I strongly recommend you give this series a try, but if you're planning on trying to reserve them at any of Tucson's libraries, and think you're going to bump me back on the waiting list you are wrong, pal. Wrong!!

Grade: A++

Book Review: The Apothecary's Daughter

The Apothecary's Daughter, by Julie Klassen, was recommended to me by a good friend and I'm glad I followed through and checked it out at the library. Set in the very early 1800s, it revolves around a young woman, Lillian, known by all as Lilly. Struggling with the harsh reality that her mother abandoned her family when Lilly was younger, as well as the difficulty of having a special needs brother, she also struggles with the desire for, as Disney's Belle would put it, more than this provincial life. Although insanely skilled as a helper in her father's apothecary shop, she wants nothing to do with the lifestyle and trade. She craves society and the adventures she can only assume her mother is having. Also she totally wouldn't mind a boyfriend and who wouldn't?

Her luck changes when her mother's wealthy brother and his wife offer to sponsor her for a season or two in London. She's given a taste of what she craves, but when her father's health and business suffer, she must relunctantly return to deal with it and numerous other mishaps, emergencies and tragedies. Also there's the nagging question of which suitor she will choose.

One thing I want to say is how surprised I was to discover that Klassen is a popular and much-awarded Christian Fiction writer, even more so when I discovered this about halfway through the book. To me, The Apothecary's Daughter is a richly illustrated, exhaustively researched account of life not only in the early 1800s but also within the trades of apothecaries, physicians and surgeons in that time period. It's not a bible thumping, over the top Christian Mission Statement. Sure there's mention of thanking God, and praying for miracles and relying on one's faith, but never in a heavy-handed way; it's done, as one reviewer puts it, in a way that is historically appropriate.

 Klassen's style of writing in no way puts me off from reading any more of her novels, in fact, I hope to read another soon. But I will say that the most off-putting element of the tale is the subtle Mary Sue quality of Lilly. Yes she's pretty, intelligent, loyal, independent and hard working which are all fantastic characteristics that anyone would adore in a future spouse, but to have one, two, three, four, five suitors, ranging from nobleman to doctor to socialite (wait, maybe two noblemen then), from shopkeeper to apprentice, I was just like, Oh, OKAY ALL RIGHT ALREADY. And of course I think we're all sick of the Irritatingly Obvious Admirer Whose Admirations Are Misunderstood Or Downplayed By The Heroine shtick. But I do say that in a lighthearted ribbing sort of way. It's a good story and an excellent peek into life from that time period.

Grade: A

Randoms.

1. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes split! I am so happy for her. Normally, Hollywood divorces, especially when children are involved, make me very sad. But due to Tom Cruise's utter creep factor and his spooky Scientology hard-on, I am just so happy Katie is getting out of there. I hope she wins full custody of Suri like she wants. I feel like such a loser for writing about this, but it's on my mind and won't get out.


2. My forearms are freaking blasted from this week's Wednesday Workout! God, burpees are intense. I highly recommend giving that workout a try or at the very least, throwing it at least three sets of 10 burpees between moves in your regular workout. Speaking of workouts, I only got in three this week and thanks to the pizza I had for lunch yesterday and the fast food breakfast I had this morning, I feel like a lardass. Next week, DO ALL THE WORKOUTS!

3. Hey people who wink: CUT IT OUT. I hate it. Unless you are 85 and a grandpa (yes both are required), it is creepy and gross and perverted. It doesn't convey charm or openness or swagger, it is just lame as hell. Each wink is like a bee sting to my senses.


4. Last night Todd and I had salmon burgers and it made me realize that there are people out there who do not know about these blessed creations. So I share them with you. They are Trident Salmon Burgers and we get them at Costco but I am sure they exist in other locations. Try that link, the website has an online store. Not sure how well frozen salmon patties travel but I'm sure they figured that shit out. After all, refrigerated train cars were invented like three hundred years ago.


5. I finished editing my book! I even drafted my first query letter. Of course, after doing that I realized it would add depth AND length (oh god am I talking about sex right now?) if I added the POV of one of the main characters. Then I realized that if I'm serious about publishing it, I should probably get some books and research life in the 1500s for the flashback scene. And then I had to change the names of three of my characters and thanks to one character's nickname being Eli, MS Word changed ALL the "eli"s in the story. Like "believe" for example. It was just one big clusterfuck. So now on top of research and more writing, I also have to comb through 70k words to manually change all the names that need replacing.  But, hey! Bright side is, I did all the editing!


6. I should really have a Randoms tag, I think.

Review: Mansfield Park

For those who haven't read Mansfield Park, it's about Fanny Price, who at the tender age of 10 or 11 is transplanted from her poor, overcrowded home in Portsmouth to the fabulous, sprawling estate of Mansfield Park in the countryside, per the request/demands of her aunt and uncle, Lady and Sir Thomas Bertram. They were presuaded by her other aunt, Mrs. Norris, who is a busy bodied old bitch, to take in at least one of the Price children to relieve the burden caused by Fanny's mom never closing her legs for her drunk sailor husband, Mr. Price. Good times. Lady Bertram is a beautiful lump of uselessness and Sir Thomas is the kind of guy you'd expect to go "Hem-hem-hem!" and bluster a lot in that affected British way. At least I did. He's well meaning but comes off poorly, gaining no affection from Fanny for most of the book. Probably few of the readers, as well.

Fanny herself is timid, trembling, lacking in any sort of individual opinion and is  frail as can be. A ride on a horse wipes her out (or knocks her up, as they said back then, which never ceased to amuse me). Her personality is largely shaped by her cousin Edmund Bertram, the younger son and most morally-bound child at Mansfield Park. He is the kindest one to her when she first comes to the house, and always keeps her comforts in mind until some tart comes and plays the harp at him, then he leaves her in a sweltering wood so he can talk clergy at this tart. The other children are Tom, eldest, Maria, eldest daughter, and Julia. They all sort of suck.

Other players are the Crawford siblings (on of whom is the harp tart), who come in and sort of screw everything up. Mary and Henry. The create a bunch of dramz.

Anyways, so the whole story revolves around a love triangle, or if you want to get really specific, a love scribble where everyone seems to love/admire someone else or if the love is mutual there is a conflict of moral interest. There's a play. Morals are put into question. Fanny is affronted. Edmund is stupid. Sir Thomas comes home and Lady Bertram wakes up. Mrs. Norris flaps her hands.

I sound harsh, but this was honestly my opinion as I read this book. Austen kept it entertaining enough with her writing, but I found no character I could admire or respect. I did feel bad that no one really missed Sir Thomas when he was in India, but then again, since Mansfield Park was built on slave labor, maybe I don't feel so bad after all.

Fanny as a heroine is absolutely peculiar and really not likeable either. She is described repeatedly as having a character and opinion and mind mostly shaped by Edmund himself. His interests are hers, his opinions are her facts and rest on pedastals, Edmund Edmund Edmund. Um, lame? She seems void of any backbone, spirit, individuality (except in thinking Henry Crawford is a complete asshole) or even loyalty to family.

When she returns home, it's ~too loud~ and the food is ~not refined~ and ~where is my East room~ She appears only to love Mansfield Park for its comforts and serenity and not for the idiots who raised her, and if you haven't guessed it, because of Edmund, which seems really weird, but hey, Patty Hearst fell for it so whatever.

So the first part of her life is spent pining for her family and I hope to hell pining for some respect and true affection for her as a person, and not as a silent companion (Lady Bertram), a whipping boy (Mrs. Norris), a foil (Maria and Julia), or worse, a meek blow up doll with a bible and a major case of hero-worship (Edmund, ugh). And when she finally goes home to Portsmouth, she's like, I hate these people, they are so crass and below me thanks to nurture vs. nature and all my siblings suck except for Susan who is the only one even remotely like me. So this selfless, mild-mannered heroine actually kind of stuck up and highfalutin' and has to order takeout every night to avoid the family meals. It's like the opposite of Overboard but without the awesomeness of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.

And don't get me started on Edmund. You know, when Stephenie Meyer was creating the fiasco that is Twilight, she chose the name Edward because that was the name of the hero in Sense and Sensibility, and Edmund was the hero of Mansfield Park. And I think she shaped Edward Cullen on old Edmund Bertram because E.B. basically gets to shape his beloved to his standards of femininity from the age of 10 onwards, tells her what to do, when to do it, when she's tired, when she should go riding, etc.

Oh, and he's an absolute idiot who can't even tell that when a woman says "Hey I think the clergy is stupid and you are too and it's too bad you aren't eldest with all the money and no requirements to work for it" that, since you are to go into the clergy and don't give a shit about money so much, that she is not the woman for you.
And when she is all "I love society" and you're like "towns breed indecency" and you don't listen and assume that she's simply been corrupted by others and isn't thinking for herself? Sometimes a chick just isn't into the same shit that you are. That's another part of his horrible personality. He doesn't accept Mary for who she is, instead he tries to do the same crap he did to Fanny. And when it doesn't work, well thank God the prototype was lying around doing needlework in his living room I guess.
Captain Obvious: I didn't like Mansfield Park. I read a bunch of critiques and reviews and essays on it (well I skimmed like four) and while there's not as much Edmund hate as I have in them, there is still a lot of controversy on Fanny herself. I wasn't pleased in the end, I wasn't happy with anyone, and I should have just wikied the book plot.

Northanger Abbey better beat the pants off this book, because I'm already 150 pages in.


Grade: D-

Book Review: The Year 1000

This is an awesome non fiction account of all sorts of aspects of life in England (Engla-lond) in and around the year 1000. Written in 1999, it has an understanding point of view for a people on the verge of, and experiencing, a new millennium. Reading the acknowledgments in the back I discovered the authors are more journalists than historians, but wanted to figure out life back in 1000, so they spent eighteen months interviewing dozens, literally dozens, of history professors and scholars.

It's a quick read, too, well written and humorous, but jam packed full of facts and interesting details from this period of history. Using the Julius Work Calendar as a frame for the chapters (the first chapter is January), and the pictures from the Calendar as talking points for life in 1000, the book covers topics such as etymologies, women's issues, dirty riddles, how battles were fought and won, harvest times, the coming of Revelations' dragon, and law.

Like I said, it's a quick read, which I think needs to be said again, because history books can, at times, be weighted down with loads of fact and bulky writing. But the writers offer up the information with a light handed, brisk way, and my only complaint is that the chapters end far too quickly, the book itself goes by too fast. I wanted more!

That, however, isn't so much their fault as it is the fault of all the assholes in the past who have destroyed  much of what few documents there had been, which makes me laugh to think of how much information we feel the need to capture and share today (blogs, FB, Twitter, Pinterest, Livejournal, Tumblr). Apparently only 30 wills survive from this time period, if you can believe that, but interestingly enough, 10 of those wills belonged to women. The bibliography in the back is extensive and you'd think it would belong to a far thicker book, but alas, it doesn't.

I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone. It's not high-falutin' historical snobbery, it's not dense and drab stuff for scholars alone, but neither is it flippant or careless. It's informative, illuminating and extremely entertaining. I'm in December now, and I think I've got just one chapter afterwards before I've finished it, and I will be sad to put it down for good. Although Todd will be delighted since I swiped it from him after Christmas.

Grade: A+

Book Review: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Triathlon Training

I've not even finished it, but since this week kicks off my official tri training, I wanted to blog about this book. Let me tell you, I LOVE this book already. Reading the first chapter, which is about why people even want to do triathlons, got me emotional and brought tears to my eyes. That's a reaction I get thinking of past races I've run, or thinking of ones I'm gearing up to run, and I knew, when that very first snippet of the book got me revved up emotionally as well as pumped up psychologically, it was going to be a book I'd get more than just training tips out of, you know?

This book goes through everything too, by the way. They detail out what a tri is, the different types (i.e. different lengths), the ways you should monitor your body while training, nutrition, gear that's useful and gear that's extracurricular, so to speak, and the best ever is they break down training schedules for you, not just weekly, but what to do each day of each week as you train.

Um, sold! I reserved and checked out this book from my neighborhood library but once it's due back I'm definitely going to buy this book. I figure I should show my support for the authors since I'm loving their work so much, and also, I want this thing by my side throughout my training. Even though the schedule for training for a sprint triathlon is 14 weeks, I intend to keep doing it the entire seven months before my event.

For those of you out there toying with the idea of competing in a triathlon, or for those who want more information on working out in one of the three tri sports (swimming, biking and running) or just want to take on the challenge of ramping up a boring workout routine, I highly recommend this book. And while I haven't gotten to the nutrition section, I'm also very eager to see how best to feed the body when doing such rigorous exercises.

Review: five stars, baby!

Todd's Book Review: Disney Princess Ring-a-Ling!

I sneaked up on him and took this photo and then ran away so I don't actually know what he thinks of it, but I'm guessing he gives it three door bell rings out of four.

Book Review: American Shaolin

This review isn’t going to be easy for me, only because I’m still somewhat heartbroken that it’s over. And I don’t feel that way about many books, even in some regards Harry Potter, at least when I’m reading one of them for the first time. I can’t stop, I can’t wait to get to the end, to figure out all the secrets, the plot twists and the intrigues. Stardust, by Neil Gaiman, is basically my favorite book, and I cry whenever I read the very last line, and am sad that it’s over. And I cried towards the end of American Shaolin as well, even before the epilogue. And believe me, had there not even been an epilogue, I’d have cried harder.

American Shaolin is a memoir by Matthew Perry, and it documents the period of his life he spent at the Shaolin Temple in China, back in 1992. Oxen were still on the highways, women were automatically labeled prostitutes if they were in the company of a laowai, a foreigner, past midnight, and getting dysentery was only a matter of time, not luck. After attending Princeton, taking kung fu but still feeling lost, and then watching David Carradine in Kung Fu, Perry decided as a college student that the way to fix the things wrong with him (always listed, always hilarious), or at least a few of them, was to flee America in search of himself, of courage, of manhood and enlightenment. Or at the very least, some sort of spiritual stirring that would at least illuminate the divine aspects of our life.

This book is phenomenal. Hilariously written with eye-opening depth and clarity, you feel as if you are right there, eating bitter with Perry as the monks and coaches he befriends laugh good naturedly beside him. Dequing, Coach Cheng and the others are so richly described, you feel as if you know these men. There is a section, bless the author, of black and white photographs showing these people and I found myself, time and time again, looking at them, studying their faces, getting to know them. Also there are two pictures showing the mastery of iron crotch kung fu. Yes, you read that correctly. I will leave it up to you to get the book and find out for yourself just what miracles lay nestled within the particular sect of iron crotch kung fu.

I’ve been eagerly waiting to give my rave review of this book on here ever since I started it, because I knew it was going to be just one bad ass book. And it did not disappoint. Perry takes us from his 98lb. weakling status to 149lbs (still skinny on a 6’3” frame, but after studying martial arts for two years, it was bound to be muscle and not fat), he takes us to the wushu tournament, where he participated in sanda (kickboxing style) with the Chinese Champ. He tells us dirty jokes in Chinese and thanks to Little Tiger, the youngest monk, he learns the best of Chinese insults and curse words (poor Little Tiger could only get to “facka uha madafacka” but it was with valiant effort and, apparently, plenty of practice).

There's some digs on the conservatives in America but while it drives me crazy in other books (namely Julie and Julia where it was utterly pointless to the story), here I can understand. Perry goes into the political atmosphere of China and he uses his own political lens, so to speak, in order to view it. To see how China was, politically, economincally, emotionally even, back then, compared to how it is now, is sort of mind blowing. To see how life was for everyone in the rural areas of China back in the '90s is equally awing.

I can't talk enough about this book but if I keep going it will be pointless to read it, as I'll give all the good stuff away. And if I do that, you'll probably tell me to screw off, or at the very least point out that you fucked my 18 generations and that would suck.

Book review: A Discover of Witches by Deborah Harkness

Warning: I don't think I write cohesive book reviews

My dear sister in law Amery lent me this book a few weeks ago. The story revolves around its most-of-the-time narrator, Diana Bishop, who is a witch, and Matthew Clairmont, a vampire, a mysterious book called Ashmole 782 that all witches, vampires and daemons (all three of which also go by the more general term Creatures) want to get their sparkly, supernatural hands on. I kid, I kid, no one sparkles, but the vampires do daywalk, and they don't have fangs, and they don't seem to like gratuitous sex which, as a True Blood fan, completely mystifies me. Anyways, I digress.

The book is pretty rad, but while Harkness says she came up with the idea after wondering what jobs vampires would have, I think she basically had a grown up lady fantasy about an adult Edward Cullen because the middle chunk of this book has some serious similarities to the Twilight mess that is Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, mainly that the vampire man does not want to let the mortal woman live her own life, nor does he want to bone her although he will partake in foreplay as long as the power of the situation remains solely in his hands. Look, I'm no feminazi, but that shit really drives me insane. I'm no nymphomaniac either but if two consenting adults are in bed and naked and messing around and the women says Let's Do This and the guy says No, Let's Wait, We Have Forever (no you don't asshole, Diana is mortal), I call bullshit in a major way. Has Harkness ever MET a man? Anyways, just when I was about to put the book down, or burn it, apologize to Amery and then buy her another one, it was as if Harkness herself was like, "Whoa, oh my God, I need to stop reading Teen Beat and watching Twilight previews on You Tube" and pulled much of the focus on Diana and Matthew and put it on the actual cool stuff. But I digress

There are the daemons which are semi insane, creative whirlwinds and originally I figured she meant like, demons but apparently doesn't. And I think they're mortal just like witches. She doesn't quite explain much about them, but the more masterful ones are the less insane. And then there are the witches which aren't Wiccan idiots burning sage and saying Blessed be to each other, but can actually do spells, fly, cast witchfire, witchwater and witchwind, levitate, etc etc. The vampires do bite, don't drink synthetic blood and don't sparkle, but they also walk around during the day, do yoga (yeah, you heard), don't have fangs, and can actually eat some foods like nuts and raw venison. They also drink a crapload of wine which instantly earned my respect.

So those are the creatures. And the Ashmole 782 is an enchanted book that might possibly explain everything about the creatures and their origins, how to destroy some and some other stuff, but it was enchanted in order to keep that stuff away. No one knows and everyone wants to know. Enter Diana, who is a witch but doesn't want to be, and who is also a studier of alchemical texts, of which this Ashmole thing is one. Lo and behold, despite the fact that she suppresses her powers (and boy does she have them), she is able to not only call up the text (apparently even checking it out at the library is impossible for everyone, save her), but able to open it. The book sighs under her hand as if out of relief. It sounds lame when I write it but it was actually a pretty cool scene.

So this is the plot. There's also witch DNA, vampire extinction, time travel, a crapload of ghosts and a New England house that can grow rooms, hide objects and basically express how it has the emotional range of a hormonal teenage girl. Which also sounds lame but was also pretty cool, and also super last minute since no where in the several hundred page book does it get mentioned except towards the end when they go there. I mean, if my house grew rooms and got mad at me from time to time, that's something I would bring up in conversations with vampires because hey, right up the supernatural alley, amiright?

I really loved this book, despite the Bella/Edward tinges, and it is apparently the first in a trilogy which sucks because I read the Harry Potter series and I HATE WAITING FOR BOOKS. So Harkness, get to it!

Harry Potter

As everyone not currently living under a rock knows, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 came out recently. It's the end of the line, officially. First the book series ended (while I was in Seattle for a friend's wedding, of all horrible timing. Nothing quite like frantically, hungrily reading a beloved book series' finale while horrendously hung over). But then, all of us Potterheads had something to look forward to! The movies! And now, the movies are over. The little kids we started the adventure with, Dan Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson are grown up and are moving on. And so, I must also move on...

... to the first book in the series! Yay! It's like the seasons! They end, but then they just start over. And the wonderful thing about Harry Potter is it's absolute readability. Not just the first go round, or even the second or third. But honestly, as many times as you can muster. And it's such a delight now, to have all seven books and be able to read the series in its entirety without having to wait for the next one to come out. I got hooked on this series at about 22 years old, I think. By that time, only four books were out and I remember finishing Goblet of Fire, which I had read basically without stopping while back home in Nashville for vacation, and going "Oh God. Oh God NO! Now I have to wait?!" That was the reason I've read books 1 - 3 so many stinking times (and Prisoner of Azkaban was/still sorta is my favorite.

So while I have no new adventures coming up, at least I am comforted in an uninterrupted book binge that began last night in bed, while Todd twirled my hair, as I opened up The Sorceror's Stone and read all about the start of The Boy Who Lived. And I'm comforted by the fact that he totally hooks up with Ginny and makes babies with her, all of whom get to live happily ever after. Except maybe Albus Severus Potter, because with a name like that, you have a LOT to live up to.