Sassy Water! Sassy Sassy Sassy!

Is that even a word anymore? Sassy!

Originally created by some woman named Sass (last name) over at Prevention, this is a slightly modified version, but nevertheless still sassy as hell. Supposedly able to target belly fat and promote a flat belly (combined with a diet but a diet consisting of 1600 calories a day which is higher than I aim for so what about that is a diet?), this water is, most importantly, delicious. If the lemon helps my liver to flush out last night's martini, then so be it, I count that as a pleasant surprise. I drink this stuff because it tastes great and since I read that club soda (and other carbonated bevvies) can cause dental erosion and gastro issues, it's nice having another drink option besides plain old water.

God, could I intro this sassy water with even more words? Jeeze.

Sassy Water!

2 lemons, quartered
12 mint leaves
1/2 cucumber, sliced
2 - 3 quarts water

In your pitcher, squeeze all the lemon quarters, dump in the mint and cucumber slices, and pour the water over all that yummy stuff. For optimal, prime water (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) let it chill overnight. But if you are like me and absolutely do not have the patience gene, you can go right ahead and drink it. Who gives a shit anyway? You are SASSY! I had a large iced tea from Jack in the Box, okay, I am vibrating right now! I am SASSY!!!









SASSY!!!!

Christmas Happened.

I've been chomping at the bit to get our house in the Christmas spirit and yesterday it finally happened. Our plan was to get a tree, FINALLY (she says only ten days into December). Todd's folks dropped in to join us so first, we needed to load up on a delicious breakfast. Can I just say, pork chops and eggs are God's gift? Because damn they are so good. Even Alexandra got in on the fun when dada taught her how to gnaw on a pork chop bone.

Get it girl! You are so your mama's daughter! She really went to town on her food. She ate all of Todd's eggs plus one of the ones we got for her, two strips of bacon, one of Todd's sausages, and half a piece of toast. Oh, then she started clamoring for grandma's pork chop, and then Todd's, and then he was like, dude, just take this, and boom, that photo happened.

Anyways, we went to Home Depot and I am officially a fan of noble firs. Noble fir. That looks like the name of a font or something. But I digress. Noble firs! So beautiful, so regal, and not itchy and stabby like a douglas fir! Amazing. We found a super wet and springy tree that was so heavy and full of water that I could hardly pull it into an upright position, and took it home where we decorated the hell out of it while Alexandra pulled down the cookie ornaments and ate them.

BOOM goes the dynamite! Look at that thing! It's massive and gorgeous, just like me. I had gotten a box of 50 ornaments from Target, plus another little kit with smaller ornaments, and I am glad I did because this tree is so big, we wouldn't have had enough to go around (literally). Oh, and please direct your attention to that utterly badass and beautiful tree skirt THAT I MADE BY MYSELF.

You see how blurry that picture is? It's because I was trembling with excitement over finally getting to display the fruits of my labor from over two months ago. I literally jumped up and down up and down when we brought the tree inside because I was so goddamn excited about that tree skirt.

All that decorating took it out of us, so when the pizzas came, I made some pretty delicious, and pretty pretty, Christmas gimlets.

WHAT

THE

HELL

Yeah, that right there is a masterpiece, a holiday explosion of deliciousness and visual perfection. Ignore the shapeless twist, OKAY? I WAS EXCITED. AND HUNGRY. Focus instead on the jolly red sugar rim, the evergreen glow of the vodka concoction, and the base of red which miraculously didn't muddle up the green but instead settled beautifully on the bottom, like a cat in front of a fire. By the way, Bingley slept with us all last night and NEVER CATERWAULED. Mind blown? Yes. Yes it is.

5 Things I'm Into Right Now.

1. OPI's I'm Not Really A Waitress



Arguably OPI's most hilarious and badass name for a color, I've always assumed it was more candy apple hooker red, and not this lovely, Christmassy shade. I am currently wearing it and I can tell it's going to be my holiday season color.

2. Doc Martin

Yes, another BBC show! This is easily my favorite new show and I look forward to Thursdays now more than I did even when I still watched Grey's Anatomy. Taking place in the absolute most gorgeous place EVER in the entire WORLD, a small village in Cornwall named Portwenn, it is all about Doctor Martin Ellingham, a brilliant surgeon who develops a fear of blood in the middle of a basic operation. He moves from London to Portwenn (where he had spent his holidays with his aunt Joan) in order to take up practice as the village's general doctor. He's brusque and painfully blunt to the point of rudeness, but we see many moments of genuine concern and empathy as well as loads of hilarious dialogue and commentary. Every single thing about this show delights me: the location (I now want to live in Cornwall), the acting, the snappy British humor and all the colorful villagers. There is chemistry between Martin and the school teacher, Louisa, but of course his lack of social skills will often ruin the moment before any hot making out happens.

It's on Thursdays on PBHS at 9pm.

3. Market Warriors

Um, yes it's more TV and you can shove it! Todd and I are unbelievably hooked on this show and I can't explain why. We're fans of Antiques Roadshow so maybe that's it, but for some reason this show just snagged us. The four crazy people shown above, John, Miller, Bob and Kevin respectively, are all different types of professionals when it comes to antiques and collectibles. They all have different styles and personalities, each is hilarious in their own way, and it's just fascinating to see them navigate through flea and antique/furniture markets. They each get $1000 to buy stuff that they turn around and sell at auction, and whomever makes the most profit wins. For some reason it's insanely addictive, and we get unnaturally excited right before it comes on. I love seeing what they find, I love seeing how much they pay versus how much they get and I love knowing that the shit they sell in antique stores and antique malls are ridiculously overpriced. I look forward to the day when I can walk into an antique mall and offer some seller like 60% of the asking price and get it. Cash money!

Mondays on PBHS at 9pm

4. V8

No, I'm not putting vodka in it. I'm actually really enjoying having a glass with my lunch. Just add some celery salt and cayenne pepper and bam! A tasty, healthy drink that actually fills me up quite a bit. Once I drank the whole glass while making my salad and found I was more than full. Poor salad.

5. Neutrogena Body Lotion Light Sesame Formula

Oh, man, I am in love with this stuff. I am a huge fan of their sesame formula body oil but sometimes I want a lotion instead of oil. Then I saw they had this, with the same delightful fragrance, and I about died of happiness.

I used to use a ton of Neutrogena stuff and sort of fell out of it after switching from using facial toners and cleansers to just using a Dove beauty bar on my face. But now, with the oil, this lotion and my lip balm, I'm thinking I should just buy stock and be done with it.



The Perfect Gimlet.

Now let me preface that by saying I do enjoy tartness, in both my flavors and my women. My bestie, Kendra, also adores a good tart smack to her cocktails and so she agrees with me that my recipe is stellar.

Vodka Gimlet

2oz vodka (I assume - a serving of liquor typically requires a four count, so for martinis I count eight)
1 tbsp Rosa's Lime
Juice from half one lime
Juice from half one lemon
Lime twist

Pour all that shit except the twist over ice and shake it well. Here's the thing though, for martinis and other stiff drinks, it's best to keep your liquor out of the freezer so that the warm liquor will melt some of the ice. If you use freezer vodka or gin then the drink will be too strong and you will be on your ass before you know it. The thing to freeze is a martini glass to help keep your drink cold.

So after you shake it up, pour it in your frosty glass, pop in your twist, and voila! Deliciousness to the max. I had one last night actually! So bottom's up y'all.

Easy Party Recipes.

So we had Alexandra's 2nd birthday BBQ bash this past weekend, during which we forced our friends and family to mingle outside in 100 degree weather. But we installed a mister system and served a buttload of alcohol, so it was worth it.

We had some delicious sangria and jalepeno poppers, along with some hot dogs and a rice dish, and our awesome friends brought loads of delicious side dishes to help keep our parties recession-proof, as Charlie would say.

Since I'm still exhausted from this party of 50, and can't think of anything interesting to say aside from "My back hurts really bad," I figured I'd share a couple of recipes, namely for the sangria and the poppers.

Holy Sangria, Batman

4 bottles of red wine
4 bottles of white wine
1/2 bottle of Bacardi O
2 cans smashed pineapple, juice included
3 large oranges
3 lemons
2 limes
4 cups ginger ale

Add the first four ingredients in a giant receptacle. Using a knife, spiral-peel your oranges and cut up the fruit. Put both the peel and fruit chunks into the sangria. Cut your lemons and limes into wedges, give them a half-hearted squeeze over the sangria and toss them in, too. Refrigerate this stuff overnight. When you're ready to serve the sangria, add your 4 cups of ginger ale. Add a big ice chunk to keep it cold especially if it's going to sit outside all afternoon. Serve over ice. DELICIOUS.

Jalepeno Poppers

40 jalepenos
2 packages neufchatel
20 strips bacon, halved
Tin foil

Cut off the stem ends of the jalepenos and clean out the seeds and innards with a paring knife. Blink a lot cause the spice of the peppers definitely gets in the air. Once they're all clean, take a butter knife and use it to insert about a tbsp of neufchatel into each pepper. Then wrap half a bacon slice around the pepper and wrap that in a piece of tin foil. Put them on a hot grill for about 15 - 20 minutes. They will be temperature-hot as hell so definitely let them cool a bit before devouring.

THEY ARE SO GOOD.

Oh what the hell, here's another recipe.

I Have No Time Rice

1lb basmati rice
2 cans corn, drained
2 cans black beans, drained and rinsed

Cook the rice. Add the corn and beans. Top with salsa or hot sauce. DONE!

Mocha Berry Smoothie

Yes, you read that right, and yes, it's homemade! Simple, delicious and nutritious. If it gave you an orgasm it would be perfect, but alas, I leave that up to your own devices.

I make mine using my hand-held blender stick thing, but a blender or Magic Bullet both work wonders as well.

Mocha Berry Smoothie
serves 1

4oz cranberry juice*
1 6oz container vanilla Greek yogurt (of course I use Kroger brand)
1/2 cup frozen mixed berries
2 tbsp flaxseed
1 heaping tbsp Nesquik
2oz water

Place ingredients in blender. If you're using a handheld device like mine, I suggest putting it in that exact order, starting with the juice and ending with the water. Blend it up, stick a straw in that bad boy and go to town!

Calorie count: 300
Protein count: 17g
Fiber count: 8.5g

*If you prefer, omit the juice and water and use 6oz skim milk, 4oz at the bottom and 2oz at the top (calorie count with milk is the same but you get an additional 4g protein)

A Fabulous Martini.

So I like vodka and I love dirty martinis. Or is it the other way around? Anyways. I can't do gin so I go with the somewhat controversial vodka martini. I'm not a fan of calling pucker + vodka a martini (of the appletini variety) but I'm well aware that what I call a martini, is to the purist just vodka mixed with a splash of olive brine. So there are levels of purism, I guess? I'm getting sidetracked. Let's go back to discussing delicious booze, and not the snot nosed drunks who drink it.

The vodka I'm a fan of lately is a recent discovery of Todd's at Total Wine, Starr Blue. It's a blatant knockoff of Skyy, with the name, the logo, the fact that it's distilled five times (I cannot remember what Skyy boasts, but it is the multiple distillations that make it so smooth and unassuming).

Please note a few details in the above photo: the shot glass is full but you need at least two full shots for a decent tooni (as my father in law calls them). Secondly, instead of a shaker I'm using a mug from our Magic Bullet set. Thirdly, there is no martini glass to be seen, because it's in the freezer, cooling off. If you have no time to cool your glass for about five minutes, then fill it with ice water.

And I gotta tell you, if you have one of those, then throw out any martini shaker you have. The lids always get stuck due to the sudden shift of temperature. But not with the Magic Bullet! You screw the lid on, shake it to high heaven, then replace the lid with the strainer lid, and presto.

Now, here we have the vodka sitting nicely in the ice. By the way, you do not want to use vodka from the freezer for a good martini. Room temp vodka mixes with the ice, and makes the ice melt, so you get the appropriate dilution when you shake it up. Anyways, add just a bit of the olive brine; not even half a shot will do the trick. Shake, shake, shake it!

WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THAT? That's perfection.

Cocktail Hour.

I'm always on the lookout for low calorie recipes, tricks and tips, and that isn't reserved for cooking alone. I thought I'd post about a new little drink Todd came up with, for all the folks out there who appreciate a buzz without an expanding waistline (I personally store decadence in my love handles). Because this bad boy hosts only 103 calories and zero carbs. Yep, you read that right. That's less than a glass of white wine on both counts.

Allow me to introduce you to chocolate vodka:

Oh Vincent, you clever thing. This stuff really does have a remarkable chocolate flavor and aroma. The flavor is still really intense on its own, so of course you'll need a mixer. But who wants to add extra calories? Yeah, me neither. So in comes chocolate vodka's new best friend:

Diet Hansen's make delicious sodas, and their diet cola tastes JUST like real coke without the nasty fake stuff. Well, Hansen's does use Splenda and I know some people get worked up over sucralose, but since we're mixing it with chocolate flavored vodka, I figure we can ease up on old Splenda for the time being.

So now that you've met our players, let's get mixing.

Chocolate Cherry Fizzy

serves one

-1.5oz* chocolate vodka

-1.5oz black cherry diet soda

-3 cubes ice

-A pretty glass

Add all those together and ta-da! Delicious. I was sort of suprised to see how small a shot and a half of vodka looked in our big water glasses, so I figured a cute little high ball glass or juice glass or something would make it look, you know, bigger, but also cuter. If that makes sense. Anyways, I also recommend keeping the vodka/soda ratio pretty close to 1:1 because the flavors compliment each other so well.

Now go get your drink on!

*I used my kitchen scale, but it's basically a shot and a half

Deliciousness

I don't claim to be a know it all when it comes to tea, or consider myself a sophisticated tea drinker. I can't handle coffee and I need caffeine to survive. A can of soda, despite its caffeine content being relatively low compared to black teas, gives me the jitters. Tea, however, is delicious. Although if I have more than three glasses of iced tea I feel shakey. Enough about  me though. How the hell are you?

Ok, moving on. So! I love tea. Earl Grey is my pretty much my all time favorite. I tried it once in the Omni Hotel in Chicago because it was there, and I didn't sweeten it or add cream, which was a rookie mistake. It tasted to me like drinking perfume. And while perfume makes me happy, I'm just not into drinking it. But THEN, while Todd and I were in Venice during our honeymoon, and ordered breakfast in bed, the tray they sent up had Earl Grey, and the option of adding honey (from an adorable little glass pot) and cream. And so I did, feeling very Luxurious and very Sophisticated and very European, despite being exhausted with morning breath and a headache from having been woken up by the pealing of hundreds of loud ass church bells. And it was heavenly. The tea, not the headache. It was sweet! It was rich! It was decadent! It tasted like dessert in a cup. I was hooked.

I have a box of Twinings Earl Grey at home, but at work, due to my office's proximinity to a Barnes and Noble where the stuff is sold in tins, Harney and Sons rules the roost. However, when I had the last of my Earl Grey tea and walked over to replenish my supplies, I was captivated by the promises this tin offered:

Coconut, ginger, vanilla! In a light summery green tea? Sold! It seemed a better fit for the weather here, while Earl Grey with its necessary addition of half and half, seemed a bit more wintery. So I bought it, and I am happy to report that I am just as enthralled with this tea as I am with Earl Grey. I highly recommend you all give it a try, or if you cannot find this same brand, giving a green tea with similar additions a try as well. Adding a Splenda sweetens the deal, as I'm sure you can imagine, but this tea is just fine on its own or, I reckon, with a bit of lemon. I haven't tried that yet but I'm sure it would rock.

Enjoy and happy tea-slurping to all!