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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Pet Peeves.

Recently I was blessed with an uncontrollable upper-eyelid eye twitch for three goddamn days. Every few minutes it would trigger itself, regardless of what I was doing, if I was in glasses or contacts, if I was reading or swimming. Then it developed into twitches that only occured when I'd do a hard blink, which is occasionally necessary when you wear contacts and stare at a computer for hours at a time. It sounds better but it was even more horrible because at that point, I knew when it was coming. Like a labor contraction. But obviously worse.

Anyways, because of this lovely experience, it got me thinking about pet peeves. And I figured hey, let's do a list. Warning: I feel passionately about each of these, so expect to see lots of italicizing, capslock and fevered punctuation.

1. Sandwiches that fall apart.

I mean, come on. This is so horrible. It's also intimately tied to my second pet peeve but even if the second one didn't exist, it would still drive me crazy. Sandwiches are portable self contained treasures of goodness and when that stuff comes out the back or worse when the bread breaks apart in your hands that is just unacceptable. And when it's a hot sandwich?! Just... I just... Do not get me started.

2. Sticky hands.

I cannot stand sticky hands. That sort of sounds like a Shel Silverstein poem, but that's the truth of it. It borders on OCD levels of fastidiousness, because if I use too much hand lotion and it doesn't all absorb then I can feel the lotion on my hands, on my palms!! It's so freaking gross. Then I have to wash the lotion off my hands. Then my hands are dry and I apply more lotion. It's an endless, vicious cycle. Ooh, or when you get food on your hands (see #1 for reference), and you only have those measley, cheap napkins that do nothing. And even if you have hand sanitizer... that stuff is sticky too! For God's sake man, I just can't handle it.

3. Eye Twitches.

I mean, look how grumpy this guy looks. And I know I have already gone into this but seriously, three days of eye twitching?!?! I think what sucks is that there is just no way to stop them. You have to ride the storm, or as my brother in law Scott says, "It's like a tire fire. You gotta sit back and just watch it burn."

4. Toilet paper going over the roll.

I know I am in the extreme minority on this, and I recall many, many years ago Oprah herself stated that anything but over-the-roll placement was an abomination to mankind and civilization. Not really but she felt pretty damn strongly about it. I like it behind the roll, discreet, tucked away, clean. Because when it's over the roll, children and cats alike can just paw at it, sending it all to the ground. Granted, Alexandra can and indeed used to take the dangling paper and pull and pull, pulling it out of the bathroom, down the hall and into the den to give to daddy, but it's a far more difficult concept, and clearly not as much fun, than just spinning the roll and sending all the paper down to the floor. Who wants to wipe any of their 2,000 parts with floor paper? Nobody, that's who. Except maybe Britney Spears; that girl goes into gas station bathrooms without any shoes on.

Hmm. I appear to be getting more and more verbiose as I get into this. I'm on the pulpit now baby, get ready for some preachin'!

5. Messy sheets AKA Unmade bed

That stock photo right there? That grosses me out, just looking at it. I have a very... hmm, powerful compulsion to keep my sheets clean, tidy, and my bed made in order to keep the sheets clean and tidy. You want to give a woman the heebie jeebies and watch her change her sheets faster than you can say Howdy? Then crawl into my bed with street clothes on. OH MY GOD. The very idea is sending me into a tizzy. I mean, I shower at night to wash the day away before I get into bed. The idea of showering in the morning and getting into bed dirty totally grosses me out.

And then, THEN, when Todd and I are sleeping and he's somehow kicked the covers into a big mess? I don't care if it's 3am, I have to get out of bed, straighten them and get back in. Oh and don't even think about getting into bed with dirty feet. Even Todd knows the joy of freshly washed feet slipping into clean, straightened sheets. It's heaven. The alternative is unacceptable.

6. The sound of a dog licking itself

Do I really need to explain this? Everyone who owns a dog knows and hates this sound. Stephanie, a friend of mine, laments over this. Her dog Finnley does this as they're trying to sleep and she'll throw every pillow off the bed at him trying to get him to leave or at least stop. It's obnoxious and gross, and it seems to be never ending. Even just licking their chops, their paws. It doesn't have to be a ~discreet~ location on the dog body, or even the dog body at all for that matter. I will banish a dog from the room for this. I will send Patton outside it drives me that crazy. Ugh.

Well I don't know if this post was cathartic or enraging. I'm on the fence, but I'm also too tired to figure it. Co-hosting bridal showers is no easy task (more on that later this week).

 Feel free to share some of your pet peeves! I think it's fascinating. It's almost more interesting than finding out what a person loves.

1 comment:

  1. i've fantasized about belting sappho's mouth shut to stop the licking. she licks everything, even the air. it's terrible!