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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Losing My Religion.

Yesterday this gem popped out of a strange and randomly stormy day. It was gone before you knew it, but luckily a coworker alerted me to its presence. "It's like God is saying everything's okay!" he say jokingly, but considering how this photo doesn't come near to doing the rainbow justice, it sort of was like a giant, glowing, gorgeous message from God. I heard Bob Marley in my head singing "Every little thing, gonna be all right" and it put a smile on my face.

Anyways, early this morning I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Some song (no Bob Marley unfortunately) was stuck in my head. Now, often times when this happens, and it happens a lot, I like to say the Our Father in my head to smooth away annoying lyrics, and quite frankly to soothe myself. I don't go to church nearly as often as I'd like, but my goodness does our child seem to sleep in on Sundays more than any other day. And I really don't feel like hauling ass feeling fat and unattractive in a dressy outfit, chasing down goldfish and books and toys to go sit in church with a squirming toddler.

Anyways, saying the Our Father, or the guardian angel prayer, or the Hail Mary, or the Apostles Creed when I can remember it, is a comfort to me. I often repeat one of those prayers a few times, add in some personal shout outs to the Lord on behalf of my loved ones, and then, miraculously (it IS a prayer to the Lord after all), I will drift off to sleep.

Anyways (JUST KIDDING, wanted to make that three out of four paragraphs starting with Anyways).

But this morning, something happened. I got to "as we forgive those who trespass against us" and I drew an absolute and utter blank. I have been saying this prayer for most of my life, I know it like the back of my hand. What does the back of my hand look like? Now I'm panicking because I desperately want to look down at my typing fingers. Are those my hands? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE

I started over, and boom, right at the trespass/forgive/other people line, I hit a wall. And it made me sad. It freaked me out a bit too. I felt a little lost, and a little lonely. I believe in God, so if you don't the next line will make you eye-roll. I do believe God is always listening, but for some reason, having my prayer interrupted by an utter brain fail made me feel like the call got dropped. I felt disconnected and sorrowful for that feeling. I kept repeating it over and over and over again, and I never got back to sleep. The moment I got to the office I sat down, and boom, like a wave of relief, the words came to me.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen. That's the version I've known and loved, and it felt like a warm embrace to say those words, silently to myself. It made me miss church, and mayber, just maybe, I'll squeeze into something presentable on Sunday and shovel Cheerios and goldfish into my girl's mouth so I can try to listen to the priest before she inevitably says fuck this shit by throwing a tantrum.

I love you, Lord! Sorry about the dropped call, I'll check in with my service provider. Unless Alex sleeps in. Sorry. Forgive me? Yeah, I thought so. Thanks, God. Every little thing, gonna be all right.

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