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Tuesday, January 8, 2013


So I am sick but only honey badger sick which means that my humble pie only has a few bites out of it. It's not nearly as bad as I expected, and to be honest, aside from a constant desire to hack my lungs out, it's extremely mild. The curious thing is it always takes me a full day of aches and pains plus an itchy, gross throat, then a night of sleep, and then the cough and sniffles and congestion arrive in a Black Maria. However, last night while watching Market Warriors (best show ever aside from all my other best shows ever), I realized it had happened right then and there, without a night of shitty sleep to mark the transition. Remarkable!

So, this goddamn paleo thing. I tell you. Last night's dinner consisted of oven fried chicken and broccoli fritters. But I was determined to keep it as paleo as possible, at least according to the terms laid out here. I had purchased some almond flour, a $10 attempt at solidarity, and so last night I whipped it out.

Instead of panko mixed with parmesan -- remember, I am OK with parmesan since it's a hard cheese and COME ON man -- I used the almond flour (first try, I typed almost instead of almond; I think my Freudian slip is showing under my skirt today). It wasn't too much different from the original, I'm happy to say! I dipped the chicken in egg yolk instead of soaking it in skim milk like I normally do (I forgot to buy almond milk durp). It wasn't as crispitty-golden as I'd have liked since almond flour is pretty caloric and I was skimpy on the amount I used. But still, all in all, a paleo success!

Next up, broccoli fritters! It calls for an egg, 1/2 cup flour and 1/3 cup parmesan. I dutifully switched out the flour for almond "flour" and right off the bat I could tell it wasn't binding properly. I kept mashing and smashing it all together but nope, it never acquired that gooey sticky substance required to maintain a good patty shape whilst frying. That's why I'm now putting quotes around flour when I specify that it is almond "flour" because this shit is just masquerading, man.

It could be because I switched out olive oil for grapeseed oil because of what, the high flash point or whatever? which is SO IMPORTANT in the paleo world, my God. I didn't feel like spending twice as much on coconut oil, plus that stuff comes in solid form and I already feel like my world is changing and I don't like it.

The broccoli was utterly basic. The patties fell apart so I had to just roll with it, and saute pre-steamed, egg-and-almond "flour"-covered broccoli in oil which was totally soaked up, but still the broccoli mishmash managed to be absolutely dried out when it came time to eat it.

I have to say, that before when I was reading about paleo on Dooce and she kept going on about how easily she transitioned and how she didn't miss cheese or bread or humanity, I was inspired. Then several months later she posted about how she can't cook and she actually hates to cook, and I was like, OH WELL NOW YOU TELL ME.

Because I don't care what other paleo people say. Sure, cooking mashed sweet potatoes with chicken in coconut oil (ALWAYS COCONUT OIL) sounds like fun but not when you just got French onion soup crocks for Christmas and have cookbooks and interenet cooking sites full of creamy starchy CHEESY goodness you bastards. I want steak au poivre, and lasagna, and, as Todd and I discussed in depth last night, cheesburger ravioli and if it doesn't exist, come February 5th, it sure as shit will.

Now, look. I didn't cry last night over my meal, and I didn't sit down in a huff on the kitchen floor stuffing uncooked spaghetti into my mouth.

But I wanted to.

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