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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Water and Why It's Horrible.

Okay so I mentioned in the vacation post that I have a fear of waves and a friend, Melisa, texted me wanting to know a little more.

I wish there was some exciting and unusual reason, but my reasons are pretty typical.

I once nearly drowned in a wave pool, as a small child, before being pulled out by a lifeguard. Those guys are pretty damn good at their job, considering there were, oh, like 250, 300 people in there.

When I was about 12, I got swept out "to sea", with another young buddy, thanks to the riptide action in Del Mar. We kept trying and trying to paddle our boogie boards to shore, but you know how those jerk riptides work. It wasn't going to happen. Once more, I owe my life to a lifeguard. Or coast guard. Whatever. But my gratitude runs deep.

Later, around 20, I was in Rocky Point, Mexico with my dad and some friends, where the only lifeguard is someone who wants to sell you weed or tamales and maybe some shit made out of a seashell. The surf was pretty intense but I was still pretty LOL WHUT about it. That is, until I got caught up with a wave, slammed down into the sand and held there, face and chest down, being continuously pummeled by the onslaught of surf. Over and over and over. I thought I was going to drown. I thought I would die, a mere dozen of yards away from my father. A handful of feet away from friends who were still splashing around in the ocean. When I was able to claw my way closer towards shore and out of the line of fire, I stood up shakily, adjusting my suit, looking for my dad. My legs were like jelly and I fought like hell not to cry. I don't think I told anyone, because I was embarrassed, and also too frightened to relive it through spoken word.

That was terrifying. The terror was real in all three circumstances, but you can see that the more recent the mishap, then the longer the tale and the fresher the terror. Last year for uncle Steve's wedding, we went to Ocean Beach, Todd, Amery, Scott and I. It was COLD. No sun, lots of chilly wind. Everyone else got in, but it was too cold and the surf too unfriendly for me to deal with it. Plus the next day I got super sick so I know I wasn't feeling it on that level, either. But still, even had the sunshine been out and immune system been at the ready, I wouldn't have really gone in very far.

Which is why it was such a rose colored day on August 4th, when I cleared the waves' break line and got to my favorite part: bobbing in the calm waters, occasionally ducking underwater before a wave broke, etc. It was lovely. The next day on Coronado, despite cooler temperatures and much more aggressive waves, I still went in, I still dove through the crashing waves. I did it! And then the dog shat himself from ingesting too much salt water.

But, let me tell you, my water phobia doesn't end there on that sun-shiny day, swimming around like a fish. Let's not even get stuck talking about the sea monsters and dinosaurs and aliens and shit that live down there. Fucking underwater grizzly bears with sharks for paws. I'm sure they're down there and no one can REALLY prove they aren't because that is how big and wrong and wicked the deep blue seas are.

I think I've done a Things That Creep Me Out post and I think I've talked about water. I know I've discussed sharks living in swimming pools because I'm a scientist and I just know these things. But here is a subject that gives me the heebie jeebies and never will not.

Obects Underwater Creep Me The Hell Out And Here Are Some Prime Examples

All of these images give me the creeps, the cringes, the shudders and the oh-hell-nos, but we'll start with the lesser of the evils.

These are trees. The first picture shows dead trees. And while some people, okay so while almost all people will be like, oh how hauntingly beautiful, such a serene photo of a quiet moment in nature, and all I see is a watery tomb. It seriously creeps me out. All I see here is premature death, trapped forever. Watery tomb.

These here trees are alive and growing underwater. The tops of the trees, above the surface of the water, are just long, jutting sticks, no foliage, no life. Like, these trees are all "Freedom of the air? The wind and the birdsong, clouds overhead? No thanks, asshole! I think I will stick to the murk and doom and hey, didn't someone just say watery tomb? Sounds good!"

See, there is this creepy, oppressive, claustrophia I feel when I look at these pictures. Also that whole drowning thing.


Maybe I imagine being trapped inside and that's why this is creepy? All I know is that I saw this photo and my breath sucked in. I felt those sickly tingles on my arms and along my spine. And I know why: the real creep factor is seeing this from above the water. It's like being in a threshold between two worlds, land and sea, a threshold you aren't supposed to experience. I don't know, it just creeps me out.

This freaks me out too, for sure. Listing on its side, and WATER TOMB ALERT, it lost its little boat life, and I'm sure human lives were snuffed out here too. It's cold and alone and buried under so many tons of that oppressive, deadly, NOT FRIENDLY water.

... But want to see something EVEN WORSE?


That is just... I mean I just can't even... There is so much that is wrong with this, and it LITERALLY HURTS MY EYES TO LOOK AT IT. You would think that the sheer horror of this image, again above the surface of the water and therefore even more infested with demons and grizzly bear shark ghosts and aliens, would be enough to dull my hypersensitivity to all this horseshit, but NO.

Because someone did THIS:

Honey, if I came across this satanic B.S. I would shit my pants and I don't think pulling a Sir Robin in a wetsuit is very pleasant. I don't get the point behind it. It's not creative or special. It seems to be making fun of cults, or maybe harmony, or dead drowned people or maybe even underwater incontinence.

Oh! Here is a literal WHY GOD WHY for you:

Why someone thought the bottom of the sea was a great place to put a statue of our poor Lord, I WILL NEVER KNOW. WATERY TOMB, PEOPLE. WATERY TOMB. It's wrong on several levels. On ALL of the levels.

And now let's close out with somehing that I think lots and lots of people think is gorgeous when all I see is a portal to hell:

Oh God. That's all I can say, really. Is just... Oh God, NO. No, no, no. Oh God. NO.

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