A Few Life Hacks.

Look man, I'm no genius but sometimes I come up with stuff that makes my life easier and I really just love that. So here's some shit I've come up with/read about and conquered recently. If you are already a genius and started doing these things when you were 10, well FINE THEN.

1. Sports bras.

I hate bras. Who doesn't? I hate the feeling and I hate the unnatural shape they give to my boobs. I love, however, a sports bra. Comfortable, moves with you, a more natural shape. But I also hate what they do to the fat under my arms, which is squish it. Even the skinny minis I see trotting around town in their $400 yoga outfits have this problem. It sucks. So with my four cotton ones, I simply cut out the top row of elastic and instantly improved them and how I look in them. They're still effective when I work out, too. I don't know if I will ever put on a real bra ever never ever. Which reminds me, I need to go to Dillard's and try to find a bra that doesn't make me grumpy.

2. Shoe storage.

This past winter I went from having one pair of heeled boots to having one pair of heeled boots and three pairs of flat sole boots. Oops, sorry honey! There went all the closet space! Anyways, I gained in shoes but did not gain in any more room for them. So I killed two birds with one stone: I stash my flip flops and a couple of pairs of flats inside my boots, which gives me more room AND helps keep my boots standing tall and proud like little soldiers.

3. Butter lover.

Ok, so maybe everyone does this? But I did it just the other day and felt like Einstein. We keep out butter out (OH GOD SO GROSS just shut up) and we keep it, unwrapped, in a little glass butter dish. Doing this gives me nice room temperature butter but how in the hell do I measure it for recipes? Well, before I unwrap it now, I lightly press a butter knife into it at each tablespoon increment. Presto! Instant accuracy instead of eyeballing it. Although if you ask Todd, or me because I am a braggart, I am insanely good at eyeballing my measurements, like spices or shredded cheese.

4. Holy sheet.

So this is probably more to do with my OCD tendencies than a hack, but I came up with this method of changing sheets when Alex was a newborn. See, when you have a newborn, you lose all ability to function like a normal person. You may look normal, but inside the space between your ears is nothing but a mushroom cloud. Sleep-deprived, memory-addled, you have no idea when you last did laundry or went to the grocery store and even if you look down at your feet you have no idea if you're wearing shoes or not. So to make sure I didn't just use the same set of sheets each time, I decided to start with the palest color and each week, go down in colors til I was at the darkest. I still do this now because even though she's almost three (!!!!) parenthood still takes it the fuck out of you, man.

5. Nailed it!

So I found THIS one on The Frisky and was pleasantly surprised to discover that it actually works. Here's something else that no one likes: the time it takes your nail polish to dry. Who remembers to pee before painting their nails? Yeah, me neither. The time it takes for your nails to be 100% damage-proof dry is like as long as it takes an elephant to gestate (fact). But when I read that if you can handle it and keep your fingers in ice water for three minutes, that it would work, well... What's a little discomfort to achieve awesomeness? I have given birth after all. Naturally. So this should be a sinch. Well look, it sort of sucked and I did it first for a minute, then for a minute and a half, with just a little thaw in between and hot damn, it did the trick! Give it a try next time you give yourself a mani. Wait til the ice melts for the most part though; it'd suck to have an iceberg smudge your Titanic, right?


6. Table polish.

Oh Pinterest, you saucy minx. Thank you for everything but seriously thank you for this. Touted as a remedy for rings on wooden surfaces, this stuff also gives wood such a deep luster and shine, it's crazy. And it's also a disinfectant! TELL ME WHAT IT IS, JIL, NOW, JEEZ. Ok, so mix equal parts white vinegar and olive oil. Stir or whisk to muddle them together until it's sort of thick, and then... just swab it on your table. Not only does it remove rings (TRUTH), it also polishes away other stains, like gobs of ketchup or droplets of dried milk that someone (not me, not Todd) left on there days ago before you could even notice. This particular trick is SO amazing, I can't even. I use it on almost all of our wooden surfaces. It's cheap, easy, ~all natural~ and honestly it's so much more effective than furniture polish, I cannot stress enough to you how big a BAMF this mixture is.