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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Helmet Hair is Sexy.

I recently spoke with a coworker after seeing him carrying a helmet into work, wondering if he now owned a motorcycle.

"A scooter, actually."

So I did the only appropriate thing which was to tell him how my best friend's husband Dwayne, and also one of my close friends, got his leg broken in two places (bones protruding from the skin and all) thanks to a stupid woman who pulled her SUV out in front of his scooter without, you know, looking where she was fucking going. Hilarity ensued for Dwayne for the next several months and by hilarity, I mean excruciating pain, difficult physical therpay and a significant amount of anger. What a fun summer!

My coworker and I chatted briefly about how crucial it was to not only be driving defensively, cautiously and vigilantly but also to wear that helmet. And it made me think, instantly, of one of my major pet peeves.

No, not sandwiches that fall apart although my God, that situation deserves a letter to the editor. I'm talking about people on all manners of bikes with zero manner of head protection on.

People, I know it's almost second nature to try and look cool, but whizzing by on a motorcycle, scooter or bicycle without one make you look like a fucking idiot. It takes all my self control to not yell out "Someone loves you! Put on a helmet!" when I see this. Even my mother in law strongly urged my father in law to get a helmet when he got into cycling, but mostly because she didn't want to have to take care of a vegetable in case the accident wasn't a clean kill.

Seriously, though, if you ride any sort of bike or scooter, please get a helmet. The only helmets that look slightly dorky are bike helmets, but it's still a LOT cooler to survive a nasty fall or wreck than it is to end up severely handicapped, all because you wanted to maintain your super suave image. When you're out there on the road, there is no one else looking out for you, and if you're busy listening to an ipod or worrying about your calorie burn, then you really aren't looking out for yourself, either. Your helmet will, though.

Another issue I have with bicyclists are those who wear flip flops. My father had to give me this advice just ONE TIME because fuck: If you want to risk losing a toenail, ride your bike in flip flops.

Me: AAAAHH GOD NO ::cringes, flaps hands around, dances from foot to foot::

I even wonder if I should bike in long sleeved shirts too, because the idea of skinning off the top two layers of skin on my elbows sends me into a cringe dance that lasts for several seconds. Poor Dwayne's elbow singlehandedly shattered that idiot woman's windshield and left its skin there. So, maybe long-sleeved shirts it is. I already wear gloves, so that saves my palms.

Aaaanyways, you want to be a badass, take up martial arts or crossfit, but please don't think that riding a motorcycle, scooter, or bike without a helmet makes you look like one. Because all I see is someone's mother sobbing hysterically when they get that phone call.

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