Coconut Curry Shrimp with Quinoa

Holy shit we had a carb for dinner! And you want to know something spooky and blood curdling? I could have had this dinner without the quinoa. It was nice but, you know, not necessary. I sort of wish I had used zucchini noodles or something. But let me stop bragging and give you the nitty gritty.

Coconut Curry Shrimp with Quinoa
serves two

2 tbsp coconut oil, divided
1 cup almond milk
1 lb jumbo shrimp, 16 - 25 count (doesn't it make you mad that they call them jumbo, when there could still be 25 to a pound?)
Curry powder
1/2 cup quinoa, washed and drained
Dehydrated ginger
Chicken bouillon powder
1 cup chopped red, yellow and/or orange bell pepper
1/2 onion, chopped
1 cup frozen broccoli florets
Garlic powder
1 large lime wedge
1/4 cup cilantro, chopped


So I'm really proud to announce that I sort of made this up. I didn't have coconut milk plus HOLY CALORIES BATMAN, so I took the rest of my almond milk, which is so delicious and high in calcium but quite low in calories, and added coconut milk. Presto! A delicious, sumptuous milk.

Anyways.

Take one tbsp of your coconut milk and melt it in the microwave. I just scooped it out into a ramekin. It won't take long either, since coconut oil will melt in your hands if you're, say, tossing veggies with it. Next, add it to your almond milk and set aside.

Peel and rinse your shrimp and set them out on a paper towel to dry. Season them liberally with curry powder.

Now, cook your quinoa according to package directions AKA one part quinoa, two parts water, boil that shit, then simmer that shit til the liquid's gone. I added my ginger to the quinoa for an extra punch. I also added a dash of no sodium bouillon powder for some flavor.

Next up, heat the remaining tbsp of coconut oil to a large skillet and once it's piping, toss in your shrimp. When they're opaque on both sides, add all of your veggies and some garlic powder. Toss frequently (hey man it's a stir fry, there is a verb in that title, get to work).

Add your almond coconut milk and let the liquid cook down a bit. By the time your shrimp have firmed up a little more, the quinoa should be done. Keep the good stuff in the skillet warm and dish the quinoa into two bowls. Top with the awesomeness, and then top THAT with a squeeze of lime and the cilantro.

Ta-daaaa! I really feel like my cooking horizons have sort of opened up now that I've officially worked with coconut oil for a dinner dish, and not just those half assed parsnip chips I attempted last week. I highly recommend getting coconut oil and keeping it around for dishes such as these. I was inspired, for sure.

Enjoy!

WHAT THE HELL LASAGNA

I just ate carbless lasagna for dinner last night! Well, by carbless, I mean, no pasta. There are bound to be carbs in a tomato based sauce but it's definitely healthier than just pasta.

The trick is using grain-free "tortillas" which are essentially crepes. I got a little bitchy in my comments on her site, but the person behind Against All Grain is the creator of those crepes, which can be found here, and despite my aforementioned bitchiness, I will say that these worked and were excellent in my lasagna last night. That lasagna recipe can be found here, but I'm re-posting it because I did make some changes.

For one thing, cooked spinach grosses me right the fuck out, so where she had 2 cups spinach just sauteed, I'd change that to 2 cups chopped up spinach so nowhere do I experience a nasty limp and slimy leaf sitting on my tongue all by itself. NO THANK YOU. Plus do you know how easy it is to spread a measley two cups of sauteed spinach over multiple layers of ricotta-smeared delicate crepes? NOT EASY AT ALL thank you very much.


No Pasta Lasagna!
serves 4 - 6

10 of those crazy ass crepes, cut in half lengthwise
1 lb Trader Joe's Sicilian style chicken sausage, casings removed
2 cups ricotta (I used low fat and thusly had to add some almond milk to thin it out)
1 tsp basil
1 tsp oregano
salt and pepper
2 cups baby spinach, finely chopped
1 jar pasta sauce or marinara
8oz mozzarella shreds
Parmesan for sprinkling

So, if you're like me you're going to start off your night basically ignoring your toddler because GODDAMMIT you WILL make a fucking flourless crepe if your life depends on it. It will take two batches, four skillets and two glasses of white wine, but you finally accomplish your goal. Your child is unimpressed.

Preheat your oven to 375 and just you TRY to wipe that smug look off your face just because you produced 10 carbless crepes when you have never before made even a regular crepe in your LIFE.

Next, cook up your sausage using the last skillet that finally worked in your crepe endeavor, breaking it up into delicious crumbles. Drain on a paper-towel-lined plate.

Mix your ricotta and herbs and spices together.

Now, grease an 8x11 pyrex (I measured mine by taking a sheet of paper out of our printer and laying it in there. Did I ever tell you I have a degree in brains?) and drop a good couple of tablespoons of sauce in there, spreading it with a basting brush or whatever the hell you want. Can you tell I'm still feeling hostile about those crepes? You will too!

Place your crepes in there like noodles, and make sure to slightly overlap them so the filling doesn't seep through and shatter your delicate, carbless facade. Now, shmear on some ricotta, and yes, it's sort of a careful procedure. Just pour another glass out of that box you have on your counter and carry on.

Next, sprinkle some chopped spinach over that. Then, add some of the sausage. Then, sprinkle with mozzarella. And now some sauce! Use that basting brush, people! Then, add more crepes. GENIUS.

Repeat until you left with nothing but box of wine.

Pop that fucker in the oven for 25 - 30 minutes until it comes out looking like this badass:

EAT. MARVEL. REJOICE! Now, this was damn close to real lasagna. It tastes a wee bit dry and I'm betting that was more to do with my shitty low fat ricotta than anything else. This was awesome! It had me and my tastebuds fooled, Todd was over the moon with delight because that man loves the hell out of lasagna, and he was even saying crazy shit like restaurants need to have this as a healthier alternative. Wowzer!

Enjoy, folks! And if you want tips on those goddamn crepes, just let me know.

Rosemary Roast Chicken with Sweet Potatoes and Shallots

I think that ever since I started doing Paleo, every post I've written has had something to do with that temporary lifestyle change, and today is no different. However! Aside from the brief mention that walking by a display of blueberry muffins eventually led to an emotional breakdown, this post is going to be a POSITIVE Paleo post! The shock! The novelty!

Rosemary Roast Chicken with Sweet Potatoes and Shallots
serves two

4 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into large chunks (think 4 chunks per spud)
4 shallots, cut into halves
6 small sprigs fresh rosemary
3 tbsp olive oil, divided
2 chicken leg quarters, skinned, thighs and drummies separated
1 tsp Herbes de Provence
Salt and pepper to taste
1 - 2 cups finely chopped kale, evil stems removed
Drizzle of olive oil
Garlic powder
2 strips crispy-cooked bacon, crumbled

Preheat your oven to 375.

I'm tempted to just scream TOSS ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER NOW regarding the first five ingredients, but I actually tossed the veggies and 2 tbsp olive oil together, deposited them in the pyrex, and then tossed the chicken pieces and remaining oil separately because the bowl I used wasn't large enough.

After you artfully arrange your meat and veg (I sound so British), sprinkle with the herbes de provence and salt and pepper and toss it into the oven because you're a caveman and you haven't had soft cheese or bread in six days (only!) and you feel like beating the shit out of something so it might as well be your oven.

Roast for about 40 minutes. Remove set aside. Toss the kale in that drizzle of olive oil and a shake or two of garlic powder. Arrange on a cookie sheet, shaking the sheet to make sure the kale is spread out enough. Bake for 10 minutes or so until crispy.

Plate your food, sprinkle with the kale and bacon, and devour, rending the tender, juicy flesh off of every bone you can get your carb-deprived fingers on. Hurrah!

I need to say that aside from that kale chip endeavor, I've never enjoyed kale. I don't know if I even enjoyed the kale chips since I kept the evil stems on like a noob. But THIS meal, holy shit! I LOVED the kale. Getting the pieces small enough and removing anything that remotely resembled a stem, the garlic powder, plus a wee bit of extra salt, all culminated into converting me into a kale fan. True, there are perameters to that conversion, BUT STILL. I feel so grown up. I like brussels sprouts now, and kale, and what's next? Free form jazz?

Adjusting.

So I am sick but only honey badger sick which means that my humble pie only has a few bites out of it. It's not nearly as bad as I expected, and to be honest, aside from a constant desire to hack my lungs out, it's extremely mild. The curious thing is it always takes me a full day of aches and pains plus an itchy, gross throat, then a night of sleep, and then the cough and sniffles and congestion arrive in a Black Maria. However, last night while watching Market Warriors (best show ever aside from all my other best shows ever), I realized it had happened right then and there, without a night of shitty sleep to mark the transition. Remarkable!

So, this goddamn paleo thing. I tell you. Last night's dinner consisted of oven fried chicken and broccoli fritters. But I was determined to keep it as paleo as possible, at least according to the terms laid out here. I had purchased some almond flour, a $10 attempt at solidarity, and so last night I whipped it out.

Instead of panko mixed with parmesan -- remember, I am OK with parmesan since it's a hard cheese and COME ON man -- I used the almond flour (first try, I typed almost instead of almond; I think my Freudian slip is showing under my skirt today). It wasn't too much different from the original, I'm happy to say! I dipped the chicken in egg yolk instead of soaking it in skim milk like I normally do (I forgot to buy almond milk durp). It wasn't as crispitty-golden as I'd have liked since almond flour is pretty caloric and I was skimpy on the amount I used. But still, all in all, a paleo success!

Next up, broccoli fritters! It calls for an egg, 1/2 cup flour and 1/3 cup parmesan. I dutifully switched out the flour for almond "flour" and right off the bat I could tell it wasn't binding properly. I kept mashing and smashing it all together but nope, it never acquired that gooey sticky substance required to maintain a good patty shape whilst frying. That's why I'm now putting quotes around flour when I specify that it is almond "flour" because this shit is just masquerading, man.

It could be because I switched out olive oil for grapeseed oil because of what, the high flash point or whatever? which is SO IMPORTANT in the paleo world, my God. I didn't feel like spending twice as much on coconut oil, plus that stuff comes in solid form and I already feel like my world is changing and I don't like it.

The broccoli was utterly basic. The patties fell apart so I had to just roll with it, and saute pre-steamed, egg-and-almond "flour"-covered broccoli in oil which was totally soaked up, but still the broccoli mishmash managed to be absolutely dried out when it came time to eat it.

I have to say, that before when I was reading about paleo on Dooce and she kept going on about how easily she transitioned and how she didn't miss cheese or bread or humanity, I was inspired. Then several months later she posted about how she can't cook and she actually hates to cook, and I was like, OH WELL NOW YOU TELL ME.

Because I don't care what other paleo people say. Sure, cooking mashed sweet potatoes with chicken in coconut oil (ALWAYS COCONUT OIL) sounds like fun but not when you just got French onion soup crocks for Christmas and have cookbooks and interenet cooking sites full of creamy starchy CHEESY goodness you bastards. I want steak au poivre, and lasagna, and, as Todd and I discussed in depth last night, cheesburger ravioli and if it doesn't exist, come February 5th, it sure as shit will.

Now, look. I didn't cry last night over my meal, and I didn't sit down in a huff on the kitchen floor stuffing uncooked spaghetti into my mouth.

But I wanted to.

Humble Pie. But I can't have pie. :(

So I don't think I mentioned it on here since I only posted like twice during my epic two-week-long vacation, but over the holidays my brother in law's wife's family (say that three times fast) came down with epic colds, and then passed the joy on to my brother in law, sister in law, mother in law and at last, my dear sweet husband. Alexandra and I were total badasses and didn't get sick.

Then, this past weekend, Friday I believe it was, Alexandra got sick. My poor baby! Froggy little voice, occasional cough and the most darling, cutey-wutey requests for "I need to blow my nose." But still, I reigned supreme in the world of immunity. I was kicking ass! An Emergen-C here, an orange there, and I'd be fine.

I went to yoga yesterday. It was hot and smelly like yoga in Tucson should be, which has nothing to do with this current tale except I just wanted to share how smelly and hot it was because come ON yoga studio, it was 65 yesterday, was a heater necessary after 329748 people did yoga in there all day long? My class was at 4pm so I kind of pondered that in down dog, ass in the air: whose bodies am I still smelling right now? Whose collective BO and BTUs am I currently wallowing in? I'm surprised I didn't barf.

Anyways. It sort of descended on me yesterday in that yoga class. The ticklish, scratchish throat. The hallmark of an oncoming cold, the appetizer to the meal of suck that is on its way, the um, the avant garde, um. Oh fuck it, the first fucking sign that you're going to be sick and it's going to suck and you might as well just give up.

And today, a MONDAY! YAY! it has descended. I am sick, and I feel stupid for being all, God I'm awesome, sorry you're sick! HAHAHAHAH! I RULE. Oh well. And then, thanks to yoga, I'm extremely sore which, when added to already present body aches, really drives in the fact that yep, asshole, you're sick and you are going to feel like shit for days!

So, yeah. Humble pie. I'm a mortal after all. Now if I could only actually eat pie before February 4th.

Kale Chips

So this whole paleo thing is tricky! I planned my meals accordingly but then I was like oh shit, I can't snack on crackers or cheese anymore, so what the hell. Chips are out. English muffins are out. Alexandra's leftover mac and cheese is OUT. So I went to Paleo Plan and found a lot of tasty recipes, not just for meals but also for snacks. One of them was kale chips and by golly, these were easy and not nearly as disgusting as I thought they'd be.

Kale Chips

1 bunch kale
1 tsp olive oil
1 tsp sea salt

Preheat oven to 350. Wash kale and pat dry, and cut into 2" - 3" pieces, removing tough stems (I actually bought a bag of pre-washed, pre-cut kale from Trader Joe's, but it still had the stems, which are definitely not tasty).

Place kale in a bowl and drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with salt. Toss to coat fully. Deposit kale onto cookie sheet and sort of shake the sheet to spread the kale out. Bake ten minutes or until crispy. And you're done!

I will say that some of the bitterness was still there in some of the leaves, so next time I will also season with some spices, like maybe chili powder and cumin, or ginger and curry, something like that. Maybe even just some good old 21 Seasoning Salute from Trader Joe's. Also, since brussels sprouts and asparagus are too bitter and pungent for me, I could just be a little more sensitive to the bitter flavor of kale.

All in all though, a way healthier alternative to potato chips and it was quick and easy.

Christmas is OVER.

I said this two days after Christmas when all the decorative clutter finally drove me off my own little fiscal cliff. I dragged out our Christmas storage bins and got rid of everything but the chili wreath, the ornaments hanging off the deer head, and the Christmas tree itself. Man, did that feel good.

I said it again yesterday when I single-handedly removed all the ornaments and strands of lights (I think there were 10 or 12), shook out my fabulous tree skirt and had Todd drag the poor bastard out of the house, sweeping merrily behind it the whole way.

And I said it again, inwardly, to myself this morning as I stepped on the scale and saw the Van Damage. It's not as bad as it could be, certainly not as bad as it was the first time I stepped on it and it was off balance and I almost fell over.  But it was enough to further strengthen my resolve to go mostly Paleo for the month of January. Well, January 4th to February 4th (I was on vacation until yesterday, people! I had to have one more night of pasta!).

What does that mean? Well, it means no dairy, and that's where part of the "mostly" Paleo comes in. I still intend to enjoy a Greek yogurt every morning because 14g protein for 110 - 130 calories and zero fat is just too good to pass up.  Secondly, if I want some parmesan, a hard cheese and therefore not as OMG EVIL for you, then I'm going to have a little parmesan.

What I am doing that is Paleo is avoiding white potatoes, breads, pastas, rice, grains in general and for the most part avoid corn as well. But another way I'm editing it is allowing myself peas and lentils because in my opinion those bad boys are super foods: high in carbs, yes, but also high in protein and fiber. SO WHATEVER.

Oh, and one more thing: I am totally having my wine on the weekends. Screw you Paleo! If cavemen knew about pinot grigio they would have never hit the Iron Age. They'd be all, "Why? This stuff comes in boxes, that's all I need." And now everyone gasps and goes "I thought she minored in history!"

My working out also went to practically a standstill. I think I can count the jogs I did on one hand for the past two and a half weeks. I'd like to get back into the swing of things and maybe get some yoga classes into my weekly workouts so I can get some good stretches for my damn plantar fasciitis (quit running you say? Perish the thought!).

So, yeah. Christmas is OVER. We had an absolutely amazing Christmas and holiday season and it was lovely with all the cookies and brie and escargots and champagne and Bailey's in my Christmas morning tea, and sleeping in and staying up late and laying around watching Cinderella in my plantar fasciitis boot with Alexandra instead of biking or running, and parties and dinners and eating ribeye for an appetizer.

But now it's sort of nice thinking of yoga and jogs with Patton, walks with Alex and her new tricycle, big decadent salads and club soda with lime. Cavemen did have club soda with lime, right?