How to plan the hell out of the week's menus.

So look, okay, I do some things amazingly well and some things I just don't even do. I sit there with a martini in my hand like the mom from Arrested Development (she's the mom, right?) and laugh and go okay, no, that is what calculators and Google are for okay?

Oh wow, I totally forgot tonight is martini night. Drool.

But one thing I really enjoy doing, and it's something that I think I do very well, is my weekly menu planning and the subsequent grocery shopping. And feminists everywhere just hung their heads in collective shame that the triathlon-completing, BA-wielding, poetry-published/would-be novelist just said that she really enjoys grocery shopping and planning menus.

IT'S MY CHOICE! I CHOOSE MY CHOICE!! (name that TV show!)

I keep a notebook in my purse for to-do lists, the occasional stroke of literary genius, work out plans, calorie counting, movies we need to Netflix, songs I need to download on iTunes and lastly, but most importantly, my menus for the following week. Let's just say that if I don't have this notebook with me at all times I literally start to feel anxious.

So, every Friday I sit down and open my notebook. I think about what we've had recently that was good and needs to be repeated and then I either hit up Pinterest or, if I'm home, my tried and true box of recipes for inspiration.

Everyone does that, Jil, you say. Stop patting yourself on the back like you're the Einstein of groceries.

But wait, that's not all!

Because before that I will, and cue laughter from my 3.75 readers, actually go online and check the weather report for next week.

<crickets>

No, I am serious! Why would I want to slave for over an hour making coq au vin, though I haven't had it in AGES and it's so delicious, when it's going to be 95 degrees that day, and by "that day" I mean, the high occurs about two hours before I start cooking? My kitchen is on the western half of the house, people, in the desert. WHO DESIGNED THIS HELL HOLE KITCHEN.

Anyways. I check the weather. If there's going to be a dip in temperature, hello crockpot! Hello dutch oven! Bitches be making soups and stews up in this hell hole kitchen! If it's going to be hotter than, um, hell I guess, I start thinking back to more summery, colorful dishes that are crisp-flavored and not stick-to-your-ribs rich. Who wants to feel greasy when it's close to 100 outside?

So, yeah. I pull up the weather app, check it out, and then get to work. Once my menus are done, this is the end result:

Can you tell that I actually used to really love taking notes in my college courses? Can you also tell that I am left handed? Hey there, smudgy!


Here's some other factors that come into my planning:

1. My oven sucks so I have to do either one dish meals in the oven or a skillet, or one goes on top, the other below. I don't have convection. :(
2. Longer lasting veggies (hi broccoli) are held off til at least Wednesday. Ones that go bad quicker (hey green bean) must be eaten by Wednesday.
3. At least one dinner with seafood, usually salmon, and at least one dinner with beef. Sometimes I sub out beef with pork.
4. I often buy a pound each of two different veggie types, to simplify the grocery list, and resort to using Trader Joe's frozen vegetables for one meal. It makes it easier.
5. Make Thursday night's meal a bit heartier because Todd teaches a two hour kung fu/tech class that wipes him out.

It sounds weird, and OCD, but I find it to be fun, like putting together a puzzle. Speaking of puzzles, the next part I enjoy is writing out the grocery lists.

I go to two stores, Trader Joe's and Fry's, on a weekly basis. I gather my recipes or pull items from memory for what I'll need to buy and what I already have at home. Then, my favorite part is writing down my list according to the section of the store in which I will find it. So, I start in cheese and produce at Trader Joe's, move on to dairy, etc etc. At Fry's I start at dairy, then frozen, then meat, etc until I end up at produce. And that's how my lists flow.

More fun south paw facts: I write on the backs of the pages in my notebooks to avoid the spiral. Even though I go to Trader Joe's before Fry's, I write the TJ list first, on the right side, to avoid smudging the Fry's list, even though I already smudge it as I write it (you can see the smudges get progressively worse until I wipe my hand on my jeans in disgust). MY LEFTY LIFE IS SO HARD.

I've found that if I don't write my lists according to where they are in the store, I will always, ALWAYS forget something, so if I have written my whole list, but realize I forgot coffee, I'll more than likely re-write the whole damn thing because, and believe me I've tried, no amount of arrows, asterisks or underscoring will make me look at the bottom of the page when I'm in aisle 10 and still in the middle of my list.

So, it all sounds extremely psychotic, maybe, but I've found that doing it this tight-shipped helps me in a couple of areas:

We rarely throw out food, unless I bought some random exotic ingredient for a single dish and it languishes in the back of the fridge for weeks. On Friday, or even worse, Saturday mornings, our fridge is a barren landscape of condiments, Brita water pitcher, half a bunch of parsley and some leftover caffeine free sodas. It gets devoured.

If I'm feeling wishy-washy or tired or lazy, too bad so sad. The biggest cheat I can do, without wasting a meal's worth of ingredients, is to switch it out with an easier night's cooking load. The food's there, and it has to be used up, so get crackin', smudgy!

Um, so yeah. This is how involved I get when it comes to my food. Hey, I love cooking, and I love cooking for folks I love, so this is an important ritual in my week. Plus it's nice to know what I have to look forward to, food-wise. What?! I do NOT use food as a reward. Wait, what? We're having steak and chicken kabobs tomorrow? On the grill? WATCH ME WAG MY TAIL.

5 Things I'm Into Right Now.

1. OPI's I'm Not Really A Waitress



Arguably OPI's most hilarious and badass name for a color, I've always assumed it was more candy apple hooker red, and not this lovely, Christmassy shade. I am currently wearing it and I can tell it's going to be my holiday season color.

2. Doc Martin

Yes, another BBC show! This is easily my favorite new show and I look forward to Thursdays now more than I did even when I still watched Grey's Anatomy. Taking place in the absolute most gorgeous place EVER in the entire WORLD, a small village in Cornwall named Portwenn, it is all about Doctor Martin Ellingham, a brilliant surgeon who develops a fear of blood in the middle of a basic operation. He moves from London to Portwenn (where he had spent his holidays with his aunt Joan) in order to take up practice as the village's general doctor. He's brusque and painfully blunt to the point of rudeness, but we see many moments of genuine concern and empathy as well as loads of hilarious dialogue and commentary. Every single thing about this show delights me: the location (I now want to live in Cornwall), the acting, the snappy British humor and all the colorful villagers. There is chemistry between Martin and the school teacher, Louisa, but of course his lack of social skills will often ruin the moment before any hot making out happens.

It's on Thursdays on PBHS at 9pm.

3. Market Warriors

Um, yes it's more TV and you can shove it! Todd and I are unbelievably hooked on this show and I can't explain why. We're fans of Antiques Roadshow so maybe that's it, but for some reason this show just snagged us. The four crazy people shown above, John, Miller, Bob and Kevin respectively, are all different types of professionals when it comes to antiques and collectibles. They all have different styles and personalities, each is hilarious in their own way, and it's just fascinating to see them navigate through flea and antique/furniture markets. They each get $1000 to buy stuff that they turn around and sell at auction, and whomever makes the most profit wins. For some reason it's insanely addictive, and we get unnaturally excited right before it comes on. I love seeing what they find, I love seeing how much they pay versus how much they get and I love knowing that the shit they sell in antique stores and antique malls are ridiculously overpriced. I look forward to the day when I can walk into an antique mall and offer some seller like 60% of the asking price and get it. Cash money!

Mondays on PBHS at 9pm

4. V8

No, I'm not putting vodka in it. I'm actually really enjoying having a glass with my lunch. Just add some celery salt and cayenne pepper and bam! A tasty, healthy drink that actually fills me up quite a bit. Once I drank the whole glass while making my salad and found I was more than full. Poor salad.

5. Neutrogena Body Lotion Light Sesame Formula

Oh, man, I am in love with this stuff. I am a huge fan of their sesame formula body oil but sometimes I want a lotion instead of oil. Then I saw they had this, with the same delightful fragrance, and I about died of happiness.

I used to use a ton of Neutrogena stuff and sort of fell out of it after switching from using facial toners and cleansers to just using a Dove beauty bar on my face. But now, with the oil, this lotion and my lip balm, I'm thinking I should just buy stock and be done with it.



Fears.

One of our favorite TV shows just revealed a minor plot detail for this season, and crazy enough it is pretty close to a major theme in the story I've written that I hope to one day publish if I could ever get my ass off the internet in order to finish the editing process.

That's one of my biggest fears. Once I was in the middle of writing this rad story and then a fucking MOVIE came out and it was basically the same plot. Since we live in Tucson which is close enough to LA and since I was spending a lot of my free time in bars back then, I was convinced I'd talked too much about my Genius Book Idea in public and that some one from LA stole it and wrote a screenplay about it.

What, I am not paranoid!

Anyways, that got me thinking about fears. Now, I won't bore everyone with I'm Afraid to Die (since I already blogged about that) but also because DUH that is a pretty basic fear and where is the fun in that? Same with harm coming to my loved ones, etc. Here are some really stupid fears that I cannot shake no matter how old and wise I become, for your amusement and confusion.


1. First off, and I don't care WHO disagrees with me because it is a known fact that sharks live in the deep ends of pools, specifically at night. They get in there through the drain and are able to shrink to fit, sort of like an octopus or a small kitten or something, and the expand to roughly twice the size of the shark in Jaws even though that shark couldn't fit in the deep end. IT HAPPENS OK. THEY ARE THERE. YOU SWIM FAST THROUGH THE DEEP END AT NIGHT PEOPLE. Oh god, I get the shivers just thinking about it.

Granted, I'm terrified of large bodies of water in general so I guess it doesn't come as a surprise that I shrink down that fear into one scary sea creature and throw it in a seemingly (SEEMINGLY) harmless backyard swimming pool. There is this man made lake here called Pena Blanca? And when my dad told me it was probably 100 feet deep while we were swimming in it? I could have killed him. I could have died. Instantly, there was a monster in that lake. Then the bass started nibbling on my toes and I think I flew to shore I was so terrified.


2. Bathtubs in multi-floor apartment buildings or hotels freak me out. I am convinced the bathtub above mine will smash through the floor and crush me. Don't even get me started on how unsettling it is when you can hear the people in the apartment/room above you using the tub at the same time. I remember the first bath I had in my first apartment, which was in a single story triplex and I was SO RELIEVED, and I remember literally looking up at the ceiling and being so happy.


3. I used to have these horrible dreams of my teeth falling out and that used to be a huge fear of mine, so much so that after one particularly realistic dream (they ALWAYS start out innocently enough until I realize all my teeth are so loose I can just pluck them out of my mouth), I called my mother and made her promise me that she would help get me permanent teeth implants if it ever were to happen.

Anyways, those dreams never happen anymore. My dad told me once they were all about vanity and I wonder if that might be true. One dream site said that the teeth falling out represented death but since I'm still totally scared about dying and yet have no more teeth-related dreams, I don't think that's true. The dreams stopped when shit in life started getting real, so I think my focus drifted towards more than just being an extremely attractive woman. Hahahahaha.


4. These motherfuckers:

WHY IS THIS PERSON HOLDING SATAN IN HIS HANDS?!  I highly doubt I need to get into the reasons why this land leviathan scares me, but for those of you reading this who have never experienced the terror of an air borne palo verde beetle (YES THEY FLY), the reason why they suck so hard is because they fly the way a drunk person walks AKA without rhyme or reason. They fly right so you dodge left but then it's HEY JIL I AM HERE LOL LETS HUG AND KISS XOXO, PV BEETLE and my god, you need a fucking valium after an encounter like that and if you don't believe me please LOOK AT THE PHOTO


5.  We already discussed zombies!

Pet Peeves.

Recently I was blessed with an uncontrollable upper-eyelid eye twitch for three goddamn days. Every few minutes it would trigger itself, regardless of what I was doing, if I was in glasses or contacts, if I was reading or swimming. Then it developed into twitches that only occured when I'd do a hard blink, which is occasionally necessary when you wear contacts and stare at a computer for hours at a time. It sounds better but it was even more horrible because at that point, I knew when it was coming. Like a labor contraction. But obviously worse.

Anyways, because of this lovely experience, it got me thinking about pet peeves. And I figured hey, let's do a list. Warning: I feel passionately about each of these, so expect to see lots of italicizing, capslock and fevered punctuation.

1. Sandwiches that fall apart.

I mean, come on. This is so horrible. It's also intimately tied to my second pet peeve but even if the second one didn't exist, it would still drive me crazy. Sandwiches are portable self contained treasures of goodness and when that stuff comes out the back or worse when the bread breaks apart in your hands that is just unacceptable. And when it's a hot sandwich?! Just... I just... Do not get me started.

2. Sticky hands.

I cannot stand sticky hands. That sort of sounds like a Shel Silverstein poem, but that's the truth of it. It borders on OCD levels of fastidiousness, because if I use too much hand lotion and it doesn't all absorb then I can feel the lotion on my hands, on my palms!! It's so freaking gross. Then I have to wash the lotion off my hands. Then my hands are dry and I apply more lotion. It's an endless, vicious cycle. Ooh, or when you get food on your hands (see #1 for reference), and you only have those measley, cheap napkins that do nothing. And even if you have hand sanitizer... that stuff is sticky too! For God's sake man, I just can't handle it.

3. Eye Twitches.

I mean, look how grumpy this guy looks. And I know I have already gone into this but seriously, three days of eye twitching?!?! I think what sucks is that there is just no way to stop them. You have to ride the storm, or as my brother in law Scott says, "It's like a tire fire. You gotta sit back and just watch it burn."

4. Toilet paper going over the roll.

I know I am in the extreme minority on this, and I recall many, many years ago Oprah herself stated that anything but over-the-roll placement was an abomination to mankind and civilization. Not really but she felt pretty damn strongly about it. I like it behind the roll, discreet, tucked away, clean. Because when it's over the roll, children and cats alike can just paw at it, sending it all to the ground. Granted, Alexandra can and indeed used to take the dangling paper and pull and pull, pulling it out of the bathroom, down the hall and into the den to give to daddy, but it's a far more difficult concept, and clearly not as much fun, than just spinning the roll and sending all the paper down to the floor. Who wants to wipe any of their 2,000 parts with floor paper? Nobody, that's who. Except maybe Britney Spears; that girl goes into gas station bathrooms without any shoes on.

Hmm. I appear to be getting more and more verbiose as I get into this. I'm on the pulpit now baby, get ready for some preachin'!

5. Messy sheets AKA Unmade bed

That stock photo right there? That grosses me out, just looking at it. I have a very... hmm, powerful compulsion to keep my sheets clean, tidy, and my bed made in order to keep the sheets clean and tidy. You want to give a woman the heebie jeebies and watch her change her sheets faster than you can say Howdy? Then crawl into my bed with street clothes on. OH MY GOD. The very idea is sending me into a tizzy. I mean, I shower at night to wash the day away before I get into bed. The idea of showering in the morning and getting into bed dirty totally grosses me out.

And then, THEN, when Todd and I are sleeping and he's somehow kicked the covers into a big mess? I don't care if it's 3am, I have to get out of bed, straighten them and get back in. Oh and don't even think about getting into bed with dirty feet. Even Todd knows the joy of freshly washed feet slipping into clean, straightened sheets. It's heaven. The alternative is unacceptable.

6. The sound of a dog licking itself

Do I really need to explain this? Everyone who owns a dog knows and hates this sound. Stephanie, a friend of mine, laments over this. Her dog Finnley does this as they're trying to sleep and she'll throw every pillow off the bed at him trying to get him to leave or at least stop. It's obnoxious and gross, and it seems to be never ending. Even just licking their chops, their paws. It doesn't have to be a ~discreet~ location on the dog body, or even the dog body at all for that matter. I will banish a dog from the room for this. I will send Patton outside it drives me that crazy. Ugh.

Well I don't know if this post was cathartic or enraging. I'm on the fence, but I'm also too tired to figure it. Co-hosting bridal showers is no easy task (more on that later this week).

 Feel free to share some of your pet peeves! I think it's fascinating. It's almost more interesting than finding out what a person loves.

Music From the Past, Man.

Five bands I really don't listen to anymore, even though they shaped my high school/college years and, on a larger scale, who I am today.

1. The Cure

Oh man. Okay, so this is a blog, and while I don't have to disclose everything to you (the size of my underpants, the cleanliness of the corners of my bathtub, whether or not I had leftover lo mein for breakfast), I believe that when I do write, I need to be honest. Deep breaths.

I wrote Cure lyrics all over my notebooks, my backpack (thank you White Out Pen), my art projects, the margins of the notes I wrote to my friends. I had dyed black hair, silver nail polish, I was sad a lot and I smoked a lot of cigarettes over coffee at Waffle House at 3am, talking about how sad I was. And you know what, I loved every moment of it, and I love every memory of it as well. But when you exhaust a band's discography like I did, eventually you just... you're done. I still love them, the album Disintegration will always reign supreme, the album Head On The Door will never get old, nor will the B-side "Harold and Joe". But aside from those few songs, I'm okay with my memories of listening to them.


2. Prodigy

Oh, the crush I had on Liam Howlett (dude on the left)! I loved Prodigy. My mother was mortified when I had a 5'x5' poster of them put on my wall, with the name of their single in big, graffiti-like letters: Smack My Bitch Up. I'm actually surprised she let me keep it up, now that I think back on it.

Anyways, techno was big in the 90s, and 1998 was my peak year of adoration for this band. "Poison" was and still is my favorite song by them, although "Firestarter" never fails to make me laugh with the memory of those times. I hope they're still making music too. But I really don't need them in my daily soundtrack, anymore.



3. 311

Oh, the Blue Album. Oh, Nick Hex. Oh Martinez! And P-Nut (beat that thing!). I drew the above picture on my saddle oxfords senior year of Catholic girls' school; I had several of their albums, I listened to them non-stop that year. Bumper stickers, JNCO jeans on the weekends, you name it. Clearly I went through several metamorphoses in high school, but that is the purpose of your formative years: figuring your shit out.

I recently heard a new track from them on the radio and I told Todd how happy I was, knowing they're still together and making music and he expressed a similar sentiment. I won't go out and get the album because, as the post title suggests, I'm not really in that place anymore, but I'm still delighted to know they're around.

As an aside, Nick Hexum recently had to deliver his second child at home because his wife went into labor so quickly, and because they had studied natural childbirth he was able to do so and mom and baby both were fine. So you know, since we studied Bradley, this makes me like Nick a little more than before.



4. Radiohead

I loved these guys so hard. I got to see them in concert in college. I listened to Pablo Honey and The Bends in high school, and then later on, OK Computer, Hail to the Thief and Kid A (but not as much as the others). I'll admit, part of the reason they're not played a lot in our house is because Todd thinks they're on the whiny side of rock and he's really not into that. He would pull Emo Face and Emo Guitar Strumming charades whenever I'd play it while we dated so as a compromise I kept them to myself. And eventually, I guess I just let them slip to the wayside in favor of new fan favorites and the oldies I'll never, ever let go of (Pixies, Mazzy Star, Nick Drake and Liz Phair, mainly).

But I really do like this band. I love whenever they come on the radio, which admittedly isn't much anymore. Hmm. Actually maybe I'll risk some Emo Face and go buy some on iTunes this week.



5. Bloodhound Gang

Since you all know I'm a mother, I think the reason that this music is no longer blasted in the house is pretty clear. There's just no way I can justify playing "You're Pretty When I'm Drunk" with an 18 month old daughter running around. And while I think the lyrics are hilarious, witty in a gross way and some of the most unique out there, I'm just sort of done. I don't want to come across as a prude, because like I said, these bands, this one included, have had some sort of input on my personality (this band largely affecting my sense of humor) but some stuff you do tend to grow out of. However, I will never not adore them. I mean, just look at that punim!

New/Sorta New Shows I Love

1. Pan Am

Even Todd is really enjoying this show. Its basic plot is interesting enough, but the additional historical take on it, getting to see life in the sixties and how it differed (some good ways, some bad) is also really fascinating. I read an article online too, in which a few ex-Pan Am ladies were asked about the show's accuracy and surprisingly, the only thing they really didn't think was true to form was the hue of the uniform! Even the CIA subplot with one of the characters is to be believed. It did indeed happen. This show is awesome.

2. Revenge

My favorite response I ingeniously thought of is: nevermind forgive and forget; it's revenge and remember. Anyways, my own issues aside, haha, this show is good so far. I really enjoy the plotting and intrigue and the clashing between the two main female characters. I will admit, I'm not sure how many seasons the main plot can survive. I mean, eventually the gig is up, right? But I'm more than willing to stick around to see just how they'll do it.

3. Prime Suspect

Before the season premiere, Todd would constantly make fun of the commercials for it because he thought it just looked dumb. Stereotypical aggressive female cop in the big city type stuff. But then... then we watched it. Holy hell. It's tough and gritty and gruesome at times, but there are also seriously touching moments in Bello's character's personal life. I've always liked Maria Bello, even in the hideous Coyote Ugly, so I am happy to see that she's found what seems to me to be a big hit.


4. Up All Night

This is basically a given and I don't think anyone is surprised to find this on my list. Arnett and Applegate are hilarious and most think Rudolph is too (she annoys me but does make me laugh), and the reality of trying to cleave new parenthood with your old selves and still trying to maintain some humor and grace truly is hilarious, with or without a witty script. This show is an absolute hit.

5. Happy Endings

This show isn't new, but it was last season. And it is unbelievably hysterical. I mean, along the lines of Cougar Town and, in my opinion, Modern Family. Quick, dry wit, rakish, borderline loserish but charming characters, and just honest to goodness quality chemistry and rapport between all the characters. This show is so funny, I can't even do it justice with a blurb. So I'm just gonna stop right here.

Movies I Watch Repeatedly

I am a happy person, and I like to be happy. I like to think, sure, or be moved, but ultimately, I want a shit-eating grin on my face after a movie. I frequently tell people that I do not want to spend $10 in a movie theatre only to leave feeling worse than I did when I came in. So don't be surprised that No Country for Old Men isn't on this list. That movie made me feel dark and cold inside and I didn't even have the heart to finish it. Plus I hate bad hairdos. Onward to the merry-making:

1. Clue

There are just... I can't even... You just don't know how much I love this movie. I first saw it when it came out, I was six, and my dad took me to see it in the theatre. Wait, maybe that was High Spirits (another awesome as hell movie - hey there Liam Neeson). No, no, I'm fairly confident I saw it in the theatre because it only had one ending. But then, back in those halcyon, Pay-Per-View days, my parents ordered it and recorded it on VHS and got all three endings. I was hooked. I watched it over and over again, and by the time high school rolled around, I was watching Clue nightly, or on rotation with the next two movies you'll see in this list.

For those of you who have never seen Clue, it's hilarious, and with an all star cast. Here's just three of the comedic geniuses, Madeline Kahn, Michael McKean and Leslie Ann Warren.

Mustard: "Who would want to kill the cook?"
Scarlett: "Dinner wasn't THAT bad."

And here's the fabulous Eileen Brennan with Colleen Camp:

Peacock: "Is there um, a little girl's room?"
Yvette: "Oui oui, madame..."
Peacock: "No, no I just need to powder my nose."

And of course, rounding out the cast, hysterical Tim Curry, Christopher Lloyd, and Martin Mull (hidden behind Peacock's fascinator):

Undercover: "But your souls are in danger!"
Peacock: "Our LIVES are in danger, you beatnik!"

This movie is one I have almost entirely memorized and I'm probably the worst person to watch it with for the first time because I want so desperately for you to love it just as much as I do. I'll stop it after a joke and say something like "GET IT?!?!! A MAN CALLED HOOVER? CLEANING UP AFTER MURDERS???" But if you haven't seen it and you enjoy comedies and slapstick especially, then you really should give it a try. The cast makes it absolutely fantastic, and eventually you forget this thing is based off a board game. And in a world where they can remake Clash of the Titans with awesome effects but still make it suck, it's sort of refreshing to know what they could do once upon a time with a board game.

Look how CUTE Tim Curry was. RIP cute face


2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

I really don't think I have to explain my fascination, adoration, obsession and respect for/with this movie. I mean, you know a person is a genius at comedy when a budget shortage (they could only afford one horse, the one the knight rides while slaying the historian Frank) creates one of the best known gags around, using coconuts for the hoofbeat effects. And to top it off, they added the opening skit to mock themselves and it worked.

It's hilarious, start to finish, and I think everyone, everyone knows these movies and all the funny skits within. I mean, one of the nuns in my Catholic all girls' high school played this on the last day before winter break in her history class, and my English teacher, Sister Mary Veronica, let me out to go watch it because she knew how much I loved it. Now that is humor that can transcend. Although I stupidly asked SMV if she ever saw Life of Brian and her face turned serious and she said it was the most blasphemous thing ever, so I guess it's hit or miss. But STILL. This movie, is a hit. Let's take a look, shall we?

Arthur: "Your arm's off."
Black Knight: "No it isn't."

I could go on and on throughout the whole scene, quoting left and right but this is the first glimpse in this scene of where the jokes are going, and while we know there are three more jokes coming (one arm and two legs), the laughs never stop.

"Come back here, I'll bite yer legs off!"

Bedevere: "And what do we burn apart from witches?"
Peasant (Idle): "MORE WITCHES"

And of course, we can't forget how that whore turned John Cleese into a newt. "......... I got better..."

Now, it could be because I'm French but I'm pretty sure the French scene here is one of the most hilarious in the entire movie.

Galahad: "he says they've already GOT one"
Arthur: "Can we come up and take a look?"
Knight: "Non! Of course not!"
Arthur (or Galahad? ack, I'm slipping!): "Well why not?"
Knight: "Because you are English type-suh"
Arthur: "Well what are YOU then!"
Knight: "I'm French! Why do you think I 'ave this outRAAAGEOUS accent, you silly king?"

I mean, come on. This is just the tip of the iceberg on the hilarity scale of just this scene alone, and I'm not even talking about the wooden rabbit or the finale scene either.

I'm taking up so much space with this single post, I gotta condense but I can't stop without....

The Holy Hand Grenade:

Tim the Magician:

The Knights of Ni:

And the Castle Anthrax ("It's not a very good name, is it?"):

"And then, the oral sex!"

3. The Great Muppet Caper

I feel a little weird adding this movie right after a quote about fellatio but this list is in order of favorites and the list can. not. lie!

Anyways, I've obviously watched this movie ever since I was a little kid and yes, even in high school it was on the famed movie rotation. I woke up to C-Span every morning, after the tapes would run their course (I'd long been asleep). I just never got sick of these three movies.

I'm not a musical kind of girl (except for my love for Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis, Wicked, and all the other muppet movies), but I can't get enough of Muppet movies. In fact, The Muppet Christmas Carol could easily be a runner up but it never snagged me the way these three have, so there you go. But seriously, I pour one out for my homie, Muppet Christmas Carol.

So back to this one. With this cast, where can you go wrong?

And Charlos Grodin and Diana Rigg were absolutely AWESOME working with the muppets.

"People aren't breathing down your neck..."

My favorite line of Lady Holliday's is when she's ranting to Piggy about her deadbeat brother (shown) and Piggy says "Why are you telling me all of this?" and Holliday says, with a careless wave of her hand, "It's plot exposition, it has to go somewhere" and for some reason it struck me as hilarious! And as a young kid it sort of taught me about how movies work, and WHY some character will be talking about something off topic. Because it has to go somewhere! In that way that only kids can get a wild kick out of something only semi-funny, that one hit me.

And I also want to say that I think it was semi-revolutionary, or at least extraordinarily impressive, to have Piggy and Kermit do the bike scene in the park:

And the songs! The best one by far is Happiness Hotel. "If you don't mind friendly animals and can learn to stand the smell then welcome home to Happiness Hotel!"

Little did I know that after a few cats, a 95lb dog and a toddler, I could basically sing the same thing about my own house as an adult.

Anyways. These movies are still big parts of me, my heart, my sense of humor and my fond memories. You know a little more about who I am (maybe more than desired or expected), and I hope you love these movies too, or if you've never seen them, at least give them a shot. And if you have seen them and hate them, then I will just have to start watching them on rotation again to right the bigger wrongs of this world and also to drive Todd insane.

Kitchen Essentials: What I Fangirl Over

1. Kitchen Scale

This is my beloved Escali kitchen scale. I got it about six years ago from Amazon.com and I think I paid less than 20 bucks for it. I've never had to change the batteries although after a few instances of dropping it on the counter, Todd finally taped the battery cover to the bottom of it so it would stop falling off. Anyways, this bad boy helps me keep track of portion sized, specifically for pasta and veggies. Pasta is one thing we all underestimate and veggies are what we tend to overestimate. Anyways, it also helps when I'm cutting up Costco sized filletts of steelhead and I need to make sure I don't shortchange a serving size. It's WONDERFUL. Not just for calorie counters, but for making food last longer, and that saves you dollars as well as pounds.



2. Ramekins

Oh, oh how I love ramekins. I heat up Alex's food in them, since they're baby sized (and also since EVERY last baby bowl I bought her, the ones that come with lids, have since disappeared. I only know of one's location, and that is in Todd's little humidor, where it sits, half full of water, prolonging the lives of his cigars). I mix marinades and rubs in them. I measure shredded cheese in them. I use them while cooking to separate out smaller ingredients (like scallions and cilantro for pad thai). I store our salt and pepper shakers in them since those things shed S&P the way Patton sheds fur. I adore them. I think I got a set of 12 when we got married, and have since lost a few to God knows what, but I fully intend to get more. Perhaps even different sizes. Oh God, I have yet to wade into and fully immerse myself in the pleasures of multi-sized ramekins. Insert Homer Simpson gagging/drooling/ecstacy noise... here. And here. And here.

3. Rubber Tongs

These puppies have become more and more integral in my cooking experiences. They're of course great for flipping pieces of meat in a nonstick skillet (don't scratch that Teflon!), but lately I'm realizing just how wonderful they are for everything. Of course, pasta is BFF to tongs, especially when you transfer the pasta to your skillet of sauce/veggies/meat/all of the aforementioned and toss them all together to coat. But now I'm leaving my wooden and metal spoons behind in favor of these bad boys for sauteing, stir-frying, tossing roasted veggies while doing an oven check. They're wonderful, they're dishwasher safe, and they're gentle on Teflon as previously mentioned.

4. Cast Iron Skillets

I own two cast iron skillets, and a cast iron griddle and I LOVE them. First of all, they add iron to the food you cook with them! How rad is that, especially for pregnant women who want to avoid taking iron supplements (hello constipation), or for people just looking to bulk up on that mineral? Secondly, you don't have to wash them. Yes, I'm serious! The come seasoned and washing with soap and water strips the seasoning so it's best to just wipe them out with a cloth after using, or with just hot water and a naked (aka soapless) scrub brush. Thirdly whatever you cook in them can intensify the next meal you make, so if you cook bacon in the morning and simply dump out, then swipe out the excess grease with a paper towel, and then decide to cook up some chicken for dinner, that chicken is going to be infused with delicious baconness. And there is NOTHING wrong with bacon infusion. Nothing.

5. Hand-held Blender

Now, I don't use this guy a whole hell of a lot, but only because it's not soup season right now. But the things that are simplified thanks to this Smart Stick are many: soups, sauces, smoothies, baby purees, batters, etc. What I use it mostly for are sauces and smoothies. There's a delightful red pepper salmon dish that I should blog about, and its sauce once required a lot of steps and a big bulky blender, but now I just whip out the Smart Stick and its accompanying measuring cup thingy, blend it all, remove the business end of the blender and put it in the dishwasher. Done-zo! Smoothies are super easy too. We also have the Magic Bullet and in some strange sort of Brand War, Todd only makes his smoothies with the Bullet, and I only use the Smart Stick. The Bullet is tempermental with its two differently-shaped blades, and the size of the container matters for how smoothly the thing will work. None of that fussy bullshit from my darling Smart Stick.

The California Howdy

There are so many aspects of our recent trip to California I want to discuss. But first, we'll discuss the quirky, the weirdos and the douche bags. The douche bag who gave me the California Howdy (over his five year old child's head) after I yelled at him for running a red light on a left hand turn, after enough people had done the same crime before him that the idiot was stuck in the intersection, unfortunately didn't get a photo because I was too busy shaking and crying after being stuck in the car for an hour in order to drive three miles. Oh, California. I give you your own howdy, right back. Anyways, on to the stars.

Sex God:

This love machine was bicycling in Yuma, AZ on a day that had to have topped 110.


Douche Bags:

These fly motherfuckers were so hard in their Polos, plaid baseball hats and gangster rap.

Creepy Bum:

This guy was a creep. I couldn't tell if he was after my money or my food. Seaport Village really draws the riff raff, you know?

Virgin:

Look, I myself am a huge ham but I have a feeling this guy is trying to get laid by being unique. And I don't think it's working.

Wild Woman:

This is my mother in law and if she ever finds my blog she is going to kill me.